I could use the excuse that I've been in Africa for the last two and a half years with shoddy internet service, an old computer, a crappy cell phone and no tv. And that's why I'm so far behind. But it started way before that. And truth is, I've just never been too interested in anything with a screen. I don't like video games and I can't give up trading in turning the pages of a book for the convenience of a kindle. Even though it would be really good for the environment and would help unclutter my house. I'm just a bit more retro. Retroactively lazy.
Take last night. The kids didn't have much homework, so I thought they could watch some tv, even though we don't normally watch tv on school nights. Having no idea what's on, I looked it up. Or I tried to. I looked up Comcast cable, which is what we have, but, it's not listed under that. It took me a while to realize it's listed as xfinity. Anyhow, I scroll through the schedule of complete and utter crap until I finally find Dirty Jobs. Perfect. Except, of the numerous channels I pay for, of course we don't get THAT one. And you know I don't have a DVR so there is no convenient stash of cool programs like Myth Busters ready to go in it's stead. Although, I admit I still do have a VCR. Although, I still don't know how that works and we don't have any tapes left to play anyway. Finally, we just flicked around and found the Disney channel. Which I can't believe I got. Then I thought about it and I'm sure there's just going to be a charge on my next cable bill for a fast pass or something.
Over the summer I got a MacBook Pro. Not because I wanted one. Because our two computers we had in Morocco got fried in the voltage conversion and stopped working. We've never owned an apple before. Although my kids used apple computers in school before. So, while they were familiar with how to use them, I wasn't. Even though Craig set up accounts and parental controls for the kids, I still don't know how those work. And I know the kids can completely outwit me. Not that they've tried. At least I don't think do. Now I'm questioning if having my oldest son tutor me on how to use the computer is a good thing or not. What if he's just trying to figure out what I don't know so he can use that against me and have access to anything he wants?
Then there's my cell phone. It's the cheapest piece of crap Walmart sells. After all, I don't need fancy bells and whistles. That would just mean I'd have to learn how to ring the bells and blow the whistles. All that matters is that I can call and text. But, when I started texting, I realized I can't see the letters without my reading glasses. And hell if I'm going to go find my glasses to use my phone. So I'm pretty sure there are a million typos in my texts if they're decipherable at all. To make matters worse, just yesterday, my punctuation buttons stopped working. So now, I end up typing one big, long typo infused run on sentence. Which then necessitates, me calling the person to clarify what I just texted. Which, of course, defeats the whole purpose of texting in the first place.
I am one of about 134 people left in America who still has a house phone. Obviously, I need a house phone, because my cell phone is so crappy. But, I don't have a normal house phone. We have a vintage 1940's rotary dial telephone. Not only am I completely confined to a two foot radius while I'm on the phone, the only people who call on it are telemarketers and debt collectors. And the phone is located right next to my computer where I do my writing. So yesterday, after a few calls from the Mitt Romney campaign and about 20 more from debt collectors looking for Matthew, I'm pissed. So call number 21 goes something like this:
Debt Collector: Can I speak to Matthew?
Me: There is no one named Matthew here (spoken in my angry voice). You know, I get like 20 calls a day for him and he DOESN'T live here!
Debt Collector: Did you get separated or divorced?
Me: I NEVER EVEN DATED MATTHEW! LET ALONE MARRY, SEPARATE OR DIVORCE FROM MATTHEW! GOD, I'VE NEVER EVEN KISSED A MATTHEW! EVER. MAYBE YOU'D HAVE MORE SUCCESS IF YOU FUCKING FACEBOOK STALK HIM OR SOMETHING. CAUSE MAYBE HE COULDN'T PAY HIS FUCKING PHONE BILL EITHER. BUT JUST STOP CALLING ME!
Just to let you know, no one's called for Matthew today. But, I am thinking about getting caller id. I figure that will bring me up to the 1990's at least.