This post is about a revolution. But not the Arab Spring type. And although a post on that would be extremely timely. It would also be depressing, especially right now. And I think we all need a bit of a break from that. Or at least I do. So, I'm not talkin' bout that kind of revolution. Nope. Today, I'm talking about a fitness revolution. On a pole.
It was a few months ago when we still lived in Morocco that I first saw a pole dancing competition on youtube. I was completely enthralled with the pure athleticism of the women performing. And that's when I knew that somehow, I had to get on a pole. But, as you may have guessed, there is no such pole revolution in Morocco. I simply had to wait until we got back to the states. And when we did, I took to the internet to see if Colorado Springs had pole dancing classes. It does.
My search led me to Pole Revolution which just opened its doors and greased its poles this last January. It's run by a woman who looks much younger than her age, named Diane who wasn't into fitness until her first spin on the pole about 4 years ago. Right now she teaches dance part-time. And her other part-time job? She's a chaplain. I swear to god it's true.
So I arrived at the studio for my first one on one lesson, not sure what to expect. I should probably have started with a prayer. But I went more of a wing and prayer. Kinda like the Greatest American Hero, which will figure in later. It looked like any generic office space except that instead of cubicles there were poles. And I've never looked at commercial carpeting as treacherous before now. But when you factor in a pole, some scratchy berber and me, the floor is starting to look very unforgiving.
In the corner there's an array of stripper shoes to borrow. Maybe I should have bought those shoes in my post Truth is... after all. Although I'm a total klutz in heels. And one should probably master walking in them before flailing around on a pole and possibly impaling living creatures with a stiletto. So, I think the world is a safer place with me going barefoot today. Probably everyday.
Diane introduces me to my pole. His name is Pedro. How cool is that? Should I vote for him or mount him? Neither. Apparently, you clean it first. So I spray it and wipe it down, which feels a little pornographic. But, hygiene comes first. After all, I don't know who Pedro was with before me or how far they took their relationship.
We start by strutting around the pole. Now, you may not realize how ridiculous me strutting is. I'm a very brisk and efficient heel toe kinda walker. And I have the gait of a truck driver. So trying to walk slow and sexy is a bit painful. And hilarious. This is gonna take some practice. A lot of practice. If only someone could turn this bottle of water into wine, that would probably help too.
Then it's time to get this revolution in full swing. And she starts teaching me all kinds of things. (Sweet baby jesus help me now.) Crazy things that I don't even know the names of. So of course, I made up my own.
I was going to call this one the lemur climbing a tree. But on second thought, I think coochie pop might be more appropriate.
Then there's the Greatest American Hero. See I told you I'd bring that one back. And see how it goes with wing and a prayer? Do you? Unless you're young enough to have escaped that tv show and accompanying theme song that even played on the radio. But, if you're my age, you'll be singing that song in your head all day. Your welcome.
It would be really politically incorrect to call this the swastika, even though that's pretty much what it looks like. So I'm going to go with half-eaten pretzel. Even though that's kind of lame.
This is the inverted I've really got to pee. I'm curious if being upside down would reduce the urgency of needing to go. Or not.
And this, of course, is the upside-down Jesus.
Of course I didn't learn to do any of those particular moves on my first lesson. But I did learn this...
...and a few other spins as well.
And I also learned that pole dancing is fastest way to get callouses on your hands and the best workout for your arms, hands down. Because right now I can barely hold my arms up enough to type this. Pedro made it hurt so good, I'm definitely hooked. And some day, as god as my witness, I'm going to do the upside-down Jesus. I pray I will anyway.