Monday, September 24, 2012

Penis Envy


This past friday night I hosted Fiesta Del Fuego at my house. It was in honor of my friend Lynn whose house burned down in the Waldo Canyon fire. A lot has happened in the two and a half months since then, and now she's buying a new home in our neighborhood and is set to move in in a few weeks. I offered to help her move. But, I guess when everything you own is incinerated, everything you own fits in your car pretty effortlessly. Seriously, why don't I think before I speak?


So my friend Lori came up with the idea of throwing her a shower, so we could help fill up her new house with all the essentials she would need. Which was absolutely everything. So, we started planning the way women do. And we planned it should be women only. Well, sort of. We decided we should invite some local firefighters to come help us celebrate. You know, just to be neighborly and say thanks. Not because they were sending two smokin' hot calendar boys to my house for us to ogle. No. I was much more philanthropic that that. We bought loads of their 2012 calendars and I'll remind you, there's only 3 more months left to use it this year. The fact that they were smoldering and stayed for hours doing shots with us was just a friendly, neighborly bonus.


A few days before the party, a quartet of us met for coffee to finalize the party plans. So we discussed who would do and bring what. And as we were chit chatting away, a couple of my friends mentioned they were going to go to a local sex shop to get Lynn a gag gift. When a friend delivers the best one-liner of all time. "I don't have time to get a dildo today", with a straight face. Because she totally didn't even realize what she said until I started snort-laughing. And yes, she did find the time after all. Then they wrapped up that sizable gift and Lynn opened it while the firefighters were still there. Everyone went home with a bit of penis envy that night. Probably the firemen mostly.


On Saturday morning, we packed up the family to go backpacking in the mountains with friends. We'd be staying overnight at an elevation of 9800ft. The hike in was gorgeous, because the year has been so dry the aspens have started turning a brilliant yellow earlier than usual. This is Colorado at it's best. And because there were eleven kids in our group, they were on their best behavior. The adults were at their best when happy hour started and the wine began flowing. Which really is the best way to stay warm while camping.

When the fire died out, we all headed to our sleeping bags to turn in for the night. The temperature dipped down below 30 degrees and I put on my wooly hat and curled up into a ball to try to stay warm. Which didn't really work, by the way. Despite my discomfort, I must have drifted off for a while before I woke up with the most urgent need to pee. I contemplated for a full hour, at least, if getting up to relieve myself was worth it. Finally, I couldn't stand it any longer and committed to getting out of my sleeping bag. Although, I was less committed to finding my shoes because that would have meant more me-freezing-my-ass-off-to-piss time. So, I walked and found a spot on a downslope, bared my ass, copped a squat and let out a world record worthy stream of piss. Without peeing on myself even. Sincerely, it was Guinness-worthy. Unfortunately, there needs to be a witness for it to be official though. And since bears don't have opposable thumbs, they couldn't work the stopwatch.


But, in that hour before I decided to get up to pee, I just lay there thinking how easy it would be to accomplish this task if I had a penis. All I would've had to do was simply stand up in the sleeping bag, pull it half way down, whip out my junk, aim at my target and hit it with a beautiful arching trajectory. Not that I would notice the trajectory, because I'm pretty sure I could do this with my eyes half shut. So yeah, when I camp I get penis envy. I'm positive I'm not the only one. There's a lot of women who would cop to it too. From a squat position of course.



11 comments:

Joy Page Manuel said...

Good thing Morocco has trained you well! ;-)

Blissed-Out Grandma said...

I have just one thing to say:

www.go-girl.com/

The Loerzels said...

@ Joy-Abso-freakin'-lutely!
@ BOG- Put then I'd have to remember to pack it, lug it on my back, explain to my kids what it is, find it in the middle of the night and worst of all, clean it!

Sine said...

I can't believe the timing of your post. I just posted one of my Kilimanjaro Diary stories and that was my very topic, right at the end. Although I didn't call it penis envy, but come to think of it that is exactly what it was. All the way up and all the way down and about 5 times each night as I unzipped and re-zipped a million tent flaps to get me to a toilet. So I can TOTALLY understand the things going through your head while you were lying there for an hour having a debate with yourself whether it might not be possible to ignore your urge. The only thing that kept me sane was the knowledge I'd have such a wealth of toilet stories to tell afterwards, inspired, I admit it, by a certain blogger's posting entitled "the shit".

As for those go-girl thingies, have you seen that urinelle video? It's at the bottom of my latest blog post, if you can't find it...

The Loerzels said...

@ Sine-I'm glad me crapping my pants was inspiring. It's always the stories that you're reluctant to tell that end up connecting with people.

Janine said...

Every time I go to an Asian coountry and see squat toilets...

Samantha Bangayan said...

Ooh! Totally sharing that envy right now. =) That'd really help to aim piss into bottles when you can't get off an 8-hour-long bus ride without a toilet. =P

MuMuGB said...

It is true that men sometimes have it easier...Sometimes only!

Barbara said...

You definitely need a pee-mate! What a strange word combination, leaves a lot to imagination.

Sandra said...

Yes, but think, with a penis, we wouldn't get to shoot babies out of our hoo-haws...I know. That wasn't the most convincing argument ever.

The Loerzels said...

@ Janine-I knew you'd get it!
@Samantha-Sure would!
@Muriel-Sometimes?
@Barbara-Is that like a F&*k buddy?
@Sandra-Not convincing at all.

LinkWithin

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...