Monday, February 1, 2016

Antisocial Pessimist

My name is Marie and I have social anxiety.

I've always been quiet.  But, it's far more than that.  Not only do I fear conversations, I'm terrified of people.  Not individual people, but groups of people.  The excruciating part is that it's not that I don't like people, in fact way down deep under my snobby, aloof, awkward exterior, I really love people.   I do.  Which creates a constant and unwavering internal conflict for me.     

I think my condition is terminal.  

Because it's not getting any easier with age. In fact, I think it's getting worse.  I still get nervous before any event with people that requires small talk.  Which when you think about it is basically everything in adult life.  Because when you have kids, your social world is expanded even more.  And then you have to pick kids up from their friends' houses which requires dialogue with their parents.  I'm so atrocious at dialogue, writing fictional dialogue for my book even leaves me tongue tied.  And I'm completely alone when I do that.

I can't even talk to myself without judging myself. 

My default setting when I run into acquaintances is to assume you don't remember me.  Like I'm invisible, which both comforts me and plagues me at different times.  Often these two opposing thoughts are doing battle in my head at the same time.  Then I don't know what to do, so I don't do anything.  Because overcoming these overwhelming thoughts constantly swirling around in my mind is so debilitating and exhausting.  And this is just the prelude to talking to someone.  What if they don't acknowledge me?

What if I say the wrong thing?

Which I probably won't, but that's because I probably won't talk.  And if I do, I'll say the absolute minimum.  To try to disguise my absolute inferiority.  Which I know will more likely come off as a superiority complex to the person I'm talking to.  I always feel like I should explain my behavior, which I would never do because it requires both talking and receiving attention which is exactly what I don't want.  

I know this makes me sound like a child.  

I feel like a child.   So small and helpless.  God,  what the fuck is wrong with me?   This is so stupid.  Stop replaying your mistakes over in your head and over thinking everything.  You don't have to be perfect.  No one is perfect.  Just try harder.  Put yourself out there more.  And if you can't do that, then do more social media.  But even that leaves me depleted and feeling like I come off as even more of a pretentious bitch.    

I'm positive my condition is terminal.  

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