Thursday, August 6, 2015

In the Back of My Mind

I've got a lot going on in the back of my mind.  And it's not what's for dinner.  Or if I'm going to screw my kids up monumentally.  Definitely not what the cheapest, but most interesting exotic travel destination we'll choose next is.  And whether buying airline tickets would deplete the kids college funds.  Or that I have no clue about the college application process.  Not to mention that I haven't taken my oldest to visit college campuses yet.  Ok, all those worries are back there too.  With a smattering of others.

But I have some kind of control over those.
And my biggest fear, I don't.  

I think about it every time I forget something.  And whenever my mind seems sluggish.  Which in my mid-forties, with 4 kids, is all the time.  I know this is normal for all the directions midlife pulls one in.  And that lots of people forget what they went into a room to get,  bring the wrong kid to a parent/teacher conference, fail to remember to pay their insurance and all that kind of stuff too.  I know that.  
But I over think it.
Because my mom died of brain cancer.

Maybe it's my fate too.  Oh, I try not to dwell on it.  But trying to avoid something only makes you obsess more.  And every instance where my mind fails me becomes a possible symptom.  I do what I can to stay healthy.  I work out. I balance work and play.  I eat kale.  And dark chocolate.  And drink red wine.  Cause a girl's gotta do what a girl's got to do.  I mean, it's for my health.  Obviously.  

And then I think, what about my kids?

My kids who are adopted.  A virtual blank slate of medical history.  What are they predisposed to?  And how will that affect them?  Will they live in fear of the unknown genetic predators?  Or will being unaware actually reduce their stress?  Maybe even their risk.  Or will it be just the opposite?

And that's the ultimate brain teaser.

1 comment: said...

Ah, yes, the imponderables...
I recall when the child my ex put up for adoption came to visit. To discern what she are here fetus could expect as life progressed.
Not that whatever happened to us- and our children- would prove one iota of evidence for hers...
Because no one has all the answers.


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