Reciting

I could recite the reasons why I pole dance.  That it's challenging to learn something new and do something that scares the living shit out of me.  And that as a result I'm stronger than I've ever been both physically and mentally.  Also that I've gotten to a point where I think I'm fairly good at dancing when I'm alone and no one is watching.  (No one but Clyde, my dog, who's a bit obsessed with watching me dance.  Ok, he likes to nap in the sunny spot in my bedroom near the pole while I dance.)  But, nothing scares the living shit out of me more than performing a pole dance routine I choreographed myself in front of a real, live studio audience.  Which is exactly why I do it.

Because there's strength in allowing yourself to be vulnerable.

To be seen.  

I wish you could see what I did last Friday night.  On a pole in front of people.  I wish I could say I performed my pole routine flawlessly.  But, I didn't.  Because I get nervous when I'm the center of attention and when I get self conscious with my insecurities reciting in my head, I'm prone to screwing up.  Maybe no one else can tell because they don't know my choreography or how well I can do it in my bedroom for Clyde (because most of the time he's actually asleep).  But, I know.  And you can't see the video, because it won't upload on YouTube with song playing because of copyright issues.  And the file is too big to upload directly here to my blog.  I swear, I tried!

What if I'm relieved you can't see it? 

Does that negate the therapeutic effect? 
Make me weak?
Or just technologically illiterate?

Just in case, there's a short 15 second clip of my recital last Friday night that I posted to Instagram and the only way I can figure out how to prove to you that I actually did perform it.  Therapy mode initiated.