|My actual feet.|
Pedicures seem like a huge waste of time and money. I mean as soon as you get out of the nail salon you're going to chip the polish and be pissed, right? Also, I firmly believe that those callouses are there to protect you, absorbing the impact for the rest of your body like a suspension system on a car. But, the real reason I don't get pedicures is because I don't want to pay to have women gossip about how gross my feet are in front of my face in Korean. I think that's fairly obvious though.
I hope yellow toenails are fashionable this summer.
I'm not completely gross, I do ped-egg, which is like a mini-cheese grater for your feet, semiannually, which is also when I push my cuticles back. Although I don't do those two things in the same sitting. Because I'm not that together people. In addition to the regular hideousness of my unkempt feet, I always have bruises on them from pole dance. (Never make direct eye contact with a dancer's feet.) And I have a faded tattoo I got in my 20's in Hawaii that used to look like a toe ring, but now just looks like I have a piece of pencil lead lodged in my toe from some hilarious drunk college algebra accident.
When I think about it, my whole lack of success thing may stem from my feet. I'm probably being socially shunned because of them. Which is probably why I wasn't invited to a Memorial Day BBQ summer kickoff/pretty feet debut party. Where everyone is going to sit around with a cold beer and then talk about how hideous my feet are behind my back. But at least it'll be in English. For free. By people I know, not some strangers. So there's that. But the real question is...
...when I go put my best foot forward,
which one is that exactly?
And this might be why I'm failing at life.