|Bonnie & Clyde spooning.|
I've got kids, but they stopped being babies long ago. They also stopped needing me long ago. Or so they think. Because they're self deluded teenagers who don't want to be around me because I'm embarrassing. But, I have needs too. And I need to feel needed, dammit. Good thing I found replacement babies. My dogs.
Because dogs stay adorable toddlers forever.
Think about it. Dogs understand a few selective words of English like a toddler. They need a nap in the middle of the day. Ok, naps. They're both innocently mischievous, getting into things they know they shouldn't. Like the trash and the toilet bowl. Not to mention the chocolate stash. But, you just can't stay mad at them because they're so freakin' cute.
But wait, there's more!
I never baby talked to my kids because I wanted them to learn to use proper names for their anatomy and the grotesque bodily functions they're used for. Also, I wanted to get a head start on prepping them for the verbal section of the SAT. Plus, it just sounds ridiculous for a grown adult to baby talk to a baby. Obviously, none of these things apply to dogs.
My dogs really want to be around me all the time. They follow me everywhere, just like my kids used to. They even accompany me to the toilet. I think when I watch them pee, it gives them the impression that they're also supposed to reciprocate and watch me. At least I don't have to try to discretely sneak my tampons into the bathroom, like I did when I had toddlers, because my dogs don't care what they are or why I'm using them. They only care that they kinda look like dog treats.
Bonnie and Clyde are never going to grow up to be teenagers. I would say they won't eat me out of house and home the way teens do, but they're labs. So, given the opportunity, they would eat everything in my house, in the wrappers they came in even. In addition, they're on the special, super expensive food from the vet because Clyde has special dietary restrictions, which is basically the equivalent of buying all organic at Whole Foods.
At least I don't have to explain the birds and the bees to them. Because, as you can see from the above photo, they like to cuddle and you know where that leads. Good thing they're fixed. Thank god I don't have to teach them to drive. Which means my insurance won't go up. Also, they'll never go to college. (They couldn't pass the verbal section on the SAT with all that baby talk anyway.) Nope, they'll always live with me and destroy everything in my house even after my kids have left.