Thursday, April 21, 2016

Mountain of Social Anxiety

My heart was palpitating and my palms were sweaty.  I wanted this I reminded myself.  Maybe I wanted it more when it seemed like a long shot that I'd get chosen.  But, when I got the invitation, the reality sunk in.  I'd have to do battle my social anxiety again.  Face to face with real live people.  Lots of them at the annual Mountain of Authors (MOA) event put on by the Pike's Peak Library District where I would have my very own table to display my books for sale.  And schmooze with other authors.

There are three things that terrify me: 
People.
Schmoozing.
And schmoozing with people.

What was I thinking?  I've been anxious about it for two solid months already and now it's only two days away.  TWO DAYS I SAID.  Thank god, because then in three days time the endless swirl of possible embarrassing scenarios in my head that are on a loop will stop. What if no one talks to me?  What if they do?  What if I say something stupid?  Which is really more of a "when" than a "what if".  What if I have cilantro from the lunch they're serving the participating authors stuck between my teeth when I say something utterly and ridiculously stupid?

Also, when I get nervous, I get cold sweats.  But even worse than that, far worse, are the nervous shits I get.  So my ultimate fear is that I'll have cilantro stuck between my teeth in mid conversation with someone where I've just said something ridiculously stupid when I realize that I have the nervous shits and need a toilet ASAP which requires I do the urgent, clenching speed walk to the toilet.  And I'd probably unintentionally body slam a few people out of the way in the process.  But, I suppose it could actually be worse than that.  What if I didn't realize I had the nervous shits mid conversation after saying something utterly stupid and I didn't make it to the toilet?

But, the great thing about worrying about everything that can possibly go wrong is that it diminishes the likelihood of any of those things actually happening.  Right?  That's what it does, RIGHT?  Holy shit, I hope my table is close to the ladies bathroom.

Mountain of Authors is a free event open to the public. You can check out the website for the event details here.

1 comment:

Stuart Nager said...

Depends on the circumstance. I'm sure you will Prevail. I wish I could Attends, but...distance.

:)

PS...good luck. You've earned the spotlight.

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