Thursday, January 7, 2016

Ode to Wet Wipes

When you travel there is one thing above all the others that you must pack, tickets and passports aside.  And that is wet wipes.  Oh, maybe you could buy them wherever you're traveling.  But what if you can't.  Or you get the kind with the little peel top that never adheres back securely and they all dry out and become the consistency of a manila folder.  Which brings me to the second thing you must pack, Ziploc bags to put the wet wipes in to preserve their integrity, sterility and wetness.  Trust me on this.

Because when you do make it to Timbuktu you will use them...

1.  As toilet paper when you realize they don't have any.

2.  To "dry clean" your clothes when you don't have access to a washing machine for over a week.

3.  They also work as a dry shampoo when you're traveling for hours on end without a shower.

4.  And of course as a full on shower when you're camping in Chile and the shower doesn't actually have hot water.  Plus, you never found a place to buy any towels, so you have nothing to dry off with.

5.  Not to mention, hand sanitizer.  Because even though you've been wearing the same underwear for 3 days (maybe especially because of this)  clean hands are essential.  

6.  And as Febreeze for the inside of shoes because you haven't changed your socks for days.  (See #2)

7.  Dish soap when you're camping in Patagonia in the freezing rain that turns to sleet and then snow.  Because it's important to have clean dishes when you think you've frozen your kids to death in a tent in South America because you're the worst parent ever.

8.  Antiseptic for cuts.  I don't remember the exact incidents on this trip to Argentina and Chile, but I'm sure it was because one of my kids pulled a knife on another one of my kids.   Because they fought for the entire 2.5 weeks.  (I'M NOT EXAGERATING.)   I think at this point, we should try for a spot in the Guiness World Record book for the most countries kids have fought in.

9.  Surface cleaner.  (See #8)  Blood is messy and could jeopardize the deposit on the camper rental.  And by camper rental, I mean a beat up Scooby Doo van with a tent on the top that we squeezed into.   Where actual physical contact with the person sitting next to you was completely unavoidable.  (See #8 again.)

10. As bird toilet paper.  When the part of the trip with the rigors of camping in a harsh and unforgiving climate are over and you're walking in hot, humid Buenos Aires for hours with sweat dripping down your butt crack, surely one of you will get shit on by a pidgeon.  Because it all comes back to shit.  It always does.

ADDENDUM:  Getting enough fiber to shit while traveling is whole other blog post unto itself.  Maybe I'll write it some day.


OdesToGo said...

Did somebody say Ode??

Wrote one for ya! Think "Rawhide"...

Ode to Wet Wipes

Keep Wipin' Wipin’ Wipin’
Though the kids are gripin’
Keep them wipes from dryin’
Wet Wipes!!

Sleet and snow and pleather
Regardless of the weather
Wishin’ I had a real cloth by my side

All the things I’m missin
A shower, clean socks and pissin’
Are waiting at the end of this ride

Close the top!
(They’re dryin’ out!)
We need a mop!
(No need to shout!)
Grab a wad!
(Wipe yer snout!)

Where’d they go!
(Find the wipes!)
We’ve used ‘em all!
(Holy Cripes!)
We’re so screwed!
(Use the snow!)

Keep dabbin’ dabbin’ dabbin’
Though the kids are jabbin’
I wish we had a cabin

Don’t try to use your shirt tail
Unless you’d like a big fail
Soon you’ll be back to the land of pipes

My heart’s apalpitatin’
Eager-ly anticipatin’
A hot shower ‘cause I’m gettin’ pretty ripe

Wet WIPES!!!

YAH!! [loud wipe-pull]

Another hastily-written Ode brought to you by OdesToGo!!

Sine said...

Bwahaha, Marie! And Odes-to-go, awesome! I may have to repost your ditty on Joburg Expat as my Kilimanjaro trek readers will surely appreciate the wet wipe reference. I pretty much based an entire book around the wet wipe (or bemoaning the lack thereof).

Haiku4U said...

Fitting like a glove
A Wet Wipe on a mission
Behold the Shittens

Marie Loerzel said...

@Gary-You've really outdone yourself this time!
@Sine-Unfortunately, you usually have to learn the value of wet wipes the hard way.

sawet wipes said...

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