Logic doesn't work on toddlers. That didn't stop me from trying to reason with mine though. But now that they're teenagers and I've thrown logic out the window, a weird thing has happened. My whole world is twisted, contorted and smells like dirty socks and cheap cologne, which is a juvenile attempt to mask the sock stench. And now they're trying their hand at using that same logic against me.
REAL LIFE EXAMPLE:
"It would really be more convenient for you if I had my cell phone." Unnamed child who got his/her phone taken away in a disciplinary action we refer to as "restriction".
"It's not more convenient for me." (You know how you're not trying to laugh in their face and shout "BULLSHIT" at the top of your lungs and pretend like you're a real live mature adult?)
"Making plans with my friends would really be a lot more convenient for you if I had my phone."
Wait, making plans so I can drive you and your friends across town is somehow going to be convenient for me? MISSION FREAKIN' IMPOSSIBLE, DUDE. (Secret inside information, I call all my kids "dude" when I'm really annoyed.)
"Your phone got taken away as a disciplinary measure. You know that and you know what you need to do to earn it back. It should hurt and it should be inconvenient for you."
I hate that phone. I hate wondering if you're snapchatting, sexting or starting the next Nigerian Prince e-mail extortion scheme. Although, that last one is a bit ridiculous, because teenagers don't e-mail.
"But this isn't convenient for you."
Finally, one of my kids truly cares enough about how I feel to try to use it to manipulate me.
"Any and every form of discipline is inconvenient for parents."
News flash. Raising kids is really inconvenient.
Raising kids is a lot of pretending you're indifferent and trying to allow them to learn the lesson by failing sometimes, but not failing horribly, just a little bit. And biting your tongue. At this point, I'm surprised I haven't bit mine clean off. And that's when I can contain myself. Cause sometimes the bullshit factor is so high and I'm so completely NOT indifferent and I just want to lecture them into the correct choice for them. You know, the short cut to bypass this long, hard life lesson road that they've embarked on. I know it's wrong. And more importantly, I know it doesn't work.
Then I start this guilt mom cycle of regret. Oh you know the one. The one where you feel like the shittiest mom ever and that some other random person on the street would be a better mom to your kids. And wonder if can I still legally drop a teenager off at the nearest fire station? And would it be weird if they had their license already and drove themselves there because I'm really sick of chauffeuring them?
Cause quite honestly, each kid learning each life lesson 100 times or more is really inconvenient for me!