Thursday, January 29, 2015

Household Hazards

Buffalo Ammonia to cleanse your karma is available at

In this day and age, it's important to know what household hazards are in your home.  And in your kids' friends homes.  And after our kids got into one of our hazards, I thought maybe full disclosure is the way to rectify this situation.  What could your kids possibly get into at my house?   It's definitely not mixing bleach with ammonia, cause I don't have either in my home.

1.  The Stripper Pole

I do, as most of you already know, have a stripper pole, which we refer to as a "fitness pole", in my bedroom.  Now, it's super secure, so your kid is not going to fall over while on it as videos on youtube would lead you to believe.  But, they could hurt themselves swinging around on it.  Or get kicked in the teeth standing too close to another kid who's swinging on it.   (And fyi, I don't practice on it in front of my own kids, I won't in front of yours.  Mostly because my 10 year old is a quick study and could show me up.  Or sever her spinal cord trying.)

2.  Handcuffs

My son bought a set of handcuffs to play cops with a couple of years ago.  We thought this would prolong his BB gun/airsoft fascination.  While it is safer than the alternative, he has lost the key on more than one occasion.  But like Houdini we've always managed to get kids out of them without calling the fire department and without much psychological damage.  I hope.

3.  Airsoft Guns

Of course we could only prolong the gun thing so long, so as of a year ago,  we do have airsoft guns in our home.  But, we do make the boys wear eye protection.  Not that they play with them anymore, because the lust for something is always greater than the love of playing with something you actually own.  (We do not have any real guns in our home fyi.  But, I do have a sword.  But it's for belly dancing and it's not even sharp.  Shoot, I just broke the belly dancer code by telling you that!)

4.  A-hem....Adult Toys

We do have some hidden away.  Which would be more perplexing and mortifying than harmful if discovered.  However, my husband forgot how potentially damaging putting the bag from the sex shop in with the other plastic bags would be.   And my middle schooler attempted to bring a bag declaring "Fascinations:  Love is a Journey" to school.  (We don't have any porn in our home fyi.  Unless we're talking food porn.  Cause I do have tons of sexy photos of food I have eaten.)

5.  Wine

We love wine.  And we have found the perfect child theft deterrent system, kinda by accident.  We have a thick layer of dust in our wine rack that reveals if any bottles have been tampered with and/or removed from the shelf.  Even if they do move a bottle, what kid could uncork it?  Especially without getting cork in the wine?  And they probably wouldn't know to use a coffee filter to seperate the cork from the wine.  Thus, making it completely undrinkable.  Duh.

6.  Pot Candy

Remember how I did that investigative report for Jummp travel magazine on pot tourism and bought those pot laced watermelon candies?  It was really stupid to buy candy with pot in them when you have 4 kids who love candy.  I know you've wondered about the fate of those candies.  Did she?  Or didn't she?  All 10 candies remain intact in a sealed package and locked up in our safe.  Which is where we also keep our batteries, fyi.

7.  Cards Against Humanity

You know Apples to Apples?  This is the adult version of that.  Completely politically incorrect and unsuitable for children. So we don't play it when our kids are around and had it hidden in our private things.   Except, we have absolutely no privacy in our house.  So, of course, it was found and played.  Briefly,  before we confiscated and re-hid them.  Because the only hypocrites allowed in our house, are adults.

Truth be told, the two most accessible hazards in most homes are the leftovers in your fridge from god knows when.  And the enormous elephant in the room,  the internet.  And who doesn't have either in their home?


joeh said...

Love your household hazard change of pace.

I wonder if "Readers DIgest" would be interested?

Fight4urRight said...

Sounds like the makings of a rockin' party to me!!

Pack those kids off to camp and it's partytime!! (Send the airsoft guns with 'em too. We won't need those. Just wrap the guns up in the Fascinations bag. It'll be fine!)

I would add your roof to the list of known health hazards. Yours specifically!

Standing by to RSVP!!

Joy Page Manuel said...

Your home sounds like such an exciting place!! ;-))

Blogger said...

I've just downloaded iStripper, and now I enjoy having the hottest virtual strippers on my desktop.


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