Medical Mystery

It started on Friday when all the kids were home from school. A pain in my abdomen that wouldn't subside. Getting more intense as the day went on. This was all we needed after the medical bills from the dogs trip to the ER and Craig's. I still haven't seen the bills from the latter, in case you were wondering. And now clearly, I was probably on the brink of death. Or at least, another trip to the ER.

So, I pretended to be fine, for the kids' sake. They didn't need any more trauma. I could do it, my best performance ever. So, I channeled Meryl Streep.

I knew enough that a targeted point in the lower right quadrant of the abdomen could be an indication of appendicitis. Except, it would be excruciating when pressure was applied. It wasn't. Although I still palpated it. All day long, just to be sure that nothing changed. Until it became tender from me jabbing it continuously.

Oh my god, clearly it's an ectopic pregnancy. Everyone had warned me, after adopting four kids I'd get pregnant with the fifth. This would explain the searing pain I felt while getting up from a chair, discomfort with movement was a symptom. It seemed to fit. Although I just had my period a couple weeks ago. Unless that was just the vaginal bleeding...

Craig suggested it was Mittelschmerz, pain women sometimes get between menstrual cycles. I've personally never been too bothered by my girly bits. So that seemed unlikely.

Unless this was a sign of menopause. And since I'm only almost nearly 44 soon, I haven't thought about the ramifications of life's little curve ball much. Besides the tell tale hot flashes and mood swings, which I have neither of. But maybe, when your ovaries shut down they close a big dungeon like gate and maybe sometimes the spikes on the it impale the ovary itself. Which totally makes sense.

But more likely it's definitely cancer. I'm positive it is and know that it's completely plausible for me to die any second without having time to say goodbye to my kids. Within the next 12 hours I'll be dead for sure. Probably by getting hit by a bus. Or Kanye West's limo. Or skydiving naked without a parachute. But still, it's within the realm of possibility for sure. And you know cancer was planning it, so it clearly deserves the blame no matter what.

By Saturday night, while I was at a party, I took a turn for the worse. When we got home, I explained to Craig that the pain had now expanded in a band all across my lower abdomen. Clearly, this was an ominous sign.

"That's good", Craig said.
"It doesn't seem like it's a good sign...," I replied hesitantly.  I know he's a doctor, but I'm always skeptical that he actually has no idea what he's talking about because he's also my husband.
"It means it's your intestines."
"Like an obstruction? Parasites? What?"
"Like gas."

Yes, readers, the 48 hour mystery of the gas pains had been solved! Well, almost. The weird thing was, I wasn't farting. Which only meant the pressure of the gas in my gut was building like an impending volcano.

Now to determine the source of my terminal flatulence.

My personal top 3 noxious gas producing foods:

1. Beans
2. Cabbage
3. Barley

It all makes sense now. That beef and barley soup I threw in the slow cooker on Thursday that was so amazingly delicious, I kept eating copious amounts of it as leftovers because no one else was eating it? Yeah, THAT was the culprit.

I guess I should throw it out. But, it pains me to waste food. Maybe I should feed it to the dogs....