Monday, October 14, 2013

Left Brain / Right Brain

While Craig was still a bit lost in a swirl of questions from his concussion after having fallen on his head from the roof narrowly escaping death, one of his questions was what is the left brain responsible for.  Since I am completely right brained, remembering what hemisphere did what, took me a minute.  Or two.  "It does all the logical analytical stuff.  And your left brain is fine, because you did your own medical assessment from the moment they brought you in here. And your right brain is fine, because you were cracking jokes when you did it." 

 Me on the other hand, that's a completely different story.  I don't think my brain will ever be fine.  I'm completely right brained and I think it's only running on one cylinder.  And I don't even know how many cylinders are supposed to be working.  But clearly, I'm at a deficit here. Let me explain.  

It started in the driveway. 

"Which hospital would you like us to take your husband to?"  The paramedics asked.  
"I have no idea.  I'm not the medical person, he does all that", I said in a panic.
"We really need to know which hospital ma'am."
"I really don't know which is best."  My hands covering my mouth.
"Penrose is better for head injuries."
"Are you ok to drive there by yourself?" He asked.
"No. I'm not ok to drive on a normal day."

Which you would know if you've ever driven with me.  It's more of a carnival ride which will result in me getting lost at least once while attempting to get to my destination.  So my neighbor drove me.  Thank god.

After I was at the hospital and the ct scan of Craig's head showed no brain bleeds I breathed a sigh of relief.  Until I remembered that I forgot to pay the medical insurance bill for two months straight.  Then I silently panicked every time anyone came with a paper for me to sign.  Oh shit, they're going to call our insurance and they're going to tell them we don't have insurance anymore because some moron forgot to pay the fucking bill!  And do you know how often someone comes in for you to sign something?  All the fucking time!

That night I went home and stuck 2 payments in an envelope with 1 huge whopping check and put it in the mail the next morning on the way back to the hospital.  

Turns out it was discharge day.  Thank god.  So I tried to send a group message on my pathetic 1995 cell phone that doesn't do much of anything.  It took me about 6 attempts before it went through, but I had time since Craig was exhausted after a night of very little sleep.  Before my phone blew up with responses.  And I had no idea how to turn the volume down so it wouldn't disturb Craig.  But it did.  Finally he took my cell phone and within 20 seconds had turned it to silent, I'm too embarrassed to tell you how long I fiddled with it unsuccessfully before that.  He sealed the deal with the zinger, "I thought I was the brain damaged one here."  

When they got the wheelchair for discharge, they gave us instructions to stop by finance on the way out.  Which I conveniently forgot.  Cause there was no way in hell I was going to fight with our possibly non-existent insurance before they did surgery on Craig's wrist.  I figured I'd just avoid it all now and claim stupidity later.  That was my strategy.  The same one a kindergartner who just made a beautifully confusing collage but got glue all over the place and left the scissors on the floor would use.

What I forgot to mention is when Craig was in the ICU, I got a call from an unknown number and because so many people were calling concerned, I answered it.  It was a publisher who'd read my entire manuscript.  And loved it!  She's an Israeli woman who deals mostly in political books.  Publishing mine would require a title change, which she thought would be a deal breaker for me.  Which, it is.  She suggested, if I wanted to maintain creative control of my book, that I should self publish.  In addition, I'd make more money.  Which was never important to me before right now.  

Now, when I have probably _____ thousands of dollars worth of medical bills to pay.  So using my pole skills to start stripping and earning some quick cash?  Or moving forward to self publish and getting my book sold?  

Quickest and easiest decision of my life.

7 comments: said...

I needed those laughs, this morning, Marie! Thanks for complying with my need- and thrilled that Craig is NOT the brain-damaged one...

Anonymous said...

Oh man. I'm glad I'm not the only person in the world that forgets to pay the "important" bills!! Good luck with your manuscript!

Penelope J said...

You have a rare gift for using use humor and wit to make a sad story fun to read. Congrats on the publisher but at risk of sounding like a downer, hope you don't see self-publishing as a money-making solution.

BLissed-Out Grandma said...

If one publisher loved your book, maybe another will, too. And then they will promote it, at least a little, so the whole burden isn't on you.

Maria Fernanda Martinez V. said...

Hi! Just read your post. Loved it! Love your writing style.
And... the book? What happened?
Is craig ok now? :)

The Loerzels said...

@ Maria-Thank you so much! Yes, Craig is perfectly healed up now with no lasting effects from his fall, minus some minor scars. And the book? I self-published and it's available on

Blogger said...

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