Dog Training

I haven't had a dog since I was a kid. My brother and I found a stray on the way home from school one day and begged my mother to let us keep it. We made all the promises that kids make to lie their way into getting what they want. Yes, of course we'll feed, water, brush and walk him. And although my mom was a tough cookie and didn't usually fall for that kind of crap, she did that time. Boots turned out to be a horrible dog. He wasn't friendly at all and he constantly ran away. About the 50th time, it was for good. Cause this Boots was made for walkin'.

So now, about 35 years later, I'm starting over with Bonnie and Clyde. Except now I'm the mom. The one who is in charge. Of weeding out the truth from the lies. Of training the dogs. And the children. Oh, and everything else too. Luckily, they aren't anything like Boots. I mean the dogs of course. The kids, especially the teenager, have a lot in common with that dog. The moments of unfriendliness and the threats to leave home. Somedays we count the days. And hours. Or even break it down into minutes and seconds.

Now that we have dogs, we'll have to train them how things work around here. Oh, crap. Things don't really work around here. The kids are supposed to pick up after themselves. But instead, the kids leave their ear buds, bouncy balls and the soggy remnants of their cereal lying around. And they can't do that with the dogs, cause they'll eat them and get sick. So, they just can't leave their shit lying around anymore.

Speaking of shit, my kids have been potty trained for many years now. Well, truth be told, half of them are partially potty trained. Two of my kids pretty consistently do not flush the freakin' toilet. I didn't think anything could be grosser than that. Until, you add dogs into the mix, who pretty consistently drink out of the toilet. And that is grosser than gross.

Now,the kids are very adamant that we feed the dogs organic dog food with all natural ingredients. They are also careful not to overfeed the dogs, as we got them a bit overweight. Because they want them to live a long time and be healthy. Which is great, because that's consistent with how I feed the kids. However, it's not consistent with what they do when I'm not looking. Like sneaking ice cream sandwiches out of freezer in the garage right before dinner. Or the dryer lint trap reveals the evidentiary wrappers of their latest covert candy binge.

Bonnie and Clyde didn't get a lot of exercise before we got them. They had never gone up or down stairs. And they are completely baffled by what to do with a ball. So I think it goes without saying that they are oblivious that they are programmed to retrieve. They had a much more laid back Hotel California kind of attitude and thought they were programmed to receive. So they're a bit lazy. Wait, I know some kids who'd rather play their i-pods than ride their bikes.

We got the dogs some rawhide rolls to chew on and to help clean their teeth. Because they can't brush their teeth after all. On the other hand, I have 4 kids who are perfectly capable of it and don't. Oh, they always claim to have brushed their teeth. Until I check. Then they suddenly remember they forgot. So, I was totally scared to go to the dentist last week after they hadn't seen a dentist for 2 years. Shockingly, not one of my kids had gotten a cavity. Which is totally bittersweet. Because now they can validate not brushing. I wonder if they make cotton candy flavored raw hide.

It occurs to me that maybe we got the dogs so they can train the kids.