Monday, July 20, 2015

The Big Lie



I am a liar.  I lie everyday.  Pretending that I don't.  Pretending I live a truth that doesn't exist.  Believing that you'll never discover the truth of my malintent.  But the time has come to come clean.  And that's part of the very problem.  Because my lie is that I have a clean house.  Because I don't.  I'm an abominable housekeeper.

The truth is, I'm disgusting.

Just like every other liar, I lie more to myself than anyone else.  I don't even notice the unhygienic  state of my home day to day.  I can look past the smudgy fingerprints and dog drool on the windows, the jelly (and other suspicious) drips (of unknown origin) on the shelves in the fridge and I can even feel clean after showering in a mildewy shower.  I consider it a time saving gift I give myself.    Until the eve of a house guests arrival.   Which is when I freak out.   And am filled with shame while I  frantically clean and then pretend I always keep house this way.  A lie of omission.

But, it's a lie. 
A LIE I TELL YOU!

I further confess, that when I "clean" the house, with my all natural homemade, non-toxic concoctions made out of vinegar,  I never achieve that hotel, OCD kind of clean that can only be attained by some kind of wizard.  Not to entice you, but if you come to my house to stay, it will smell like a salad.  So there's that. And you are safe from the potential life threatening effects of an accidental mixing of  bleach and ammonia.  Because I don't have either in my house.  However,  4 out of 5 doctors agree that exposure to whatever indigenous viruses and bacteria may lurk in my home just may boost your immune system.

Ok, so I just lied again...
THIS IS WHAT LIARS DO!

We live in the cobwebby shadows.  We don't apply to be on home improvement shows and we vehemently discourage our significant others from throwing us surprise parties (unless it's at a restaurant or some other locale), fearful that people will uncover the truth.  Which is that I have dog fur tumbleweeds floating down my hallways.  That my cupboards and closets are a disorganized deluge bordering on necessitating a hazmat suit.  Which may also be why I've never entered the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.  For fear a stranger would show up at my door unannounced with a camera to capture the fith and broadcast it on national TV.  So there you have it...

I've finally come clean.
About being dirty.  

Well...not, like Mr. Clean, clean or anything...

2 comments:

Janine Ripper said...

I'm so pleased you wrote this as D walked in the door last night saying that there was someone on the job he was on for the day complaining about the previous tenants and how filthy they were and how could they possibly live like that, all the while he was thinking that their stove etc was cleaner than ours...which reminded me how we've both been able to see through the 'filth', or as I like to say 'comfortable living' because there so much more to life than stressing and going all OCD for a clean house - except on the even of a guest, or at the thought of potentially moving the venue of our wedding in 6 months to our backyard...we have 6 months...

Mackenzie Glanville said...

I had to laugh at the tumble weeds as my hubby comments on ours all the time. We have recently had to clean more often due to selling our house and people coming through, but I to believe there are better ways to spend our time than cleaning, like blogging of course!

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