Monday, November 4, 2013

Ideal Image

How I see myself.  Blurry and snarky.

I'm not talking about laser hair removal here.  I'm talking about social media image.  As I meet more people on the internet, preparing to market my book, I'm increasingly concerned.  I want to come off as I am in real life.  The problem is, when your medium is writing, print can be misconstrued.  Especially when  small abbreviated quotes are taken out of context. Which is exactly what Facebook and Twitter are.

I've always felt like an outcast in real life.  I've never felt like I truely fit in one particular group.

I'm athletic, but I'm not super competitive.  I was never that girl in high school PE who ran in directly in front of you to return the volley ball.  That was Lisa Crenshaw.  And Alisha Sheufelt.  Field hockey was a different story entirely.  And if I smacked you with that little hooked stick, I'm totally sorry.  Now.

I'm completely dorky.  But, I'm not 4.0, math club, Dungeons and Dragons, read the encyclopedia dorky.  Ok, there was a brief period when I read the encyclopedia for fun.  But, I didn't make it past "K", which makes me a dork-loser as far as dorks are concerned.

Some readers have commented that I seem like an extrovert in writing.  Which couldn't be further from the truth.  I'm 100% introvert.  I commit crimes of personality and force myself to do things that make me uncomfortable.  All the freakin' time.  But you will never, ever see me dancing on a table top relishing the attention of a crowd.  Ever.  This is completely against my nature.

I may come off as a narcissist to some with the photos I post.  But, I assure you it comes from a place of   deep, deep insecurity.  I'm only trying to make up for the gangly, bad hair, acne years, which only ended about 5 short years ago.  And I'm in desperate hate with my huge forehead, pasty white skin, small teeth, pointy chin, long face and thin disgusting hair exacerbated by a receding hairline.  And I only have one angle/look that remotely works for me.

What I do pride myself on, is being awkwardly funny.  But, it comes from a very serious place.  I never want to make anyone laugh at someone else's expense.  I don't want to be too vulgar and I believe shocking people for the sake of shock value is a gimmicky. Anyone can do that. It's extremely important to me that the things I write and do have a message and truth in them.  And that it's subtle and doesn't beat you over the head.  Hopefully, just cracking open the door to think about things in a different way.

When the book comes out, even more of me will be revealed.  Which is a very vulnerable place to be, especially for someone who is essentially, a very private person. But, in the end, people are going to think whatever they want about me.  Or not at all.  I'd just prefer to be hated for who I truly am, rather than liked for who I'm not.

Ultimately, each individual reader will form their own ideal image of me based on their own perceptions, history, insecurities and truths.  I relinquish control.  As if I had any anyway.


Leah Griffith said...

The greatest gift you can give the world is your authentic self. It takes great courage and humor to be authentic. It can be very tempting to hide behind a safety net of cliche's and chameleon blend ins, but what a rip off that would be. We'd never get to know you. By you being yourself you are telling others that it is okay for them to be authentic too.

So there you have it. It's a movement of sorts and a message, and you are in the thick of it. We love you for your honest quirky humor...and soon the rest of the world will have a chance to love you too.

BLissed-Out Grandma said...

I admit I read this and then went away to think about it before responding. Surprised to return and find only Leah's comment, though it's a good one. I, too, am a private person, and I can't imagine writing a memoir with total honesty and openness. But something has impelled or compelled you to do this. It's important. So you will be conflicted but you will keep moving forward to bring your book to its intended audience. And they will be grateful for it. Just remember that it will be perfectly normal--even mandatory--for you to want to hide in a closet for long periods after making appearances or giving interviews, and you'll be fine.

The Loerzels said...

@ Leah-Thank you! It's my own self acceptance and others that have driven me to write a book.
@BOG-First, I'm honored that you read my blog. And second, that you stepped away to put so much thought into your comment. Thank you!


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