Monday, September 23, 2013

Woman Problems

Every year my friend, Laura, organizes a run for ovarian cancer in honor of her mother who lost her battle with the disease.  This year, I ran it with my oldest daughter, Jade, and my friend Lisa, and her daughter, Jordan.  And it occurred to me while we were there, just how profoundly my daughter's ovaries will affect her.  And by that I mean, completely control her life.  

It's really sunny in Colorado, ok?

Right now, Jade lives the carefree life of a 12 year old who doesn't need to shave her armpits or consider whether she has the right bra to wear with that cute new strappy top.  And I want her to hold on and savor these moments before those stupid ovaries kick into overdrive with all their ridiculous hormones and screw everything up!

Because suddenly without warning one day she'll need to carry a purse with "supplies"in it.  And will subsequently have a deadly fear of wearing white pants.  (Although I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing, because no one actually looks good in white pants.  Except Gwyneth Paltrow.  Bitch.  I hate her.)

Then, she'll start liking boys.  And not the good boys either, the bad ones are always far more attractive.  You know, the ones who never do their homework and who skulk around the ditch setting things on fire.  Those boys.

Most of them will only want one thing.  And it's not the thing I want for her, which is a chastity belt.

One day, hopefully 20 years from now, after she's finished with her Master's thesis, travelled the world and established her career, she might want to start a family of her own.

But, since she'll be in her 30's then, in a healthy and stable relationship, the process of getting pregnant won't be nearly as exciting.  More than likely, it won't involve spur of the moment intimacy, more likely a graph and a thermometer.  Maybe even a specialist.

Once she's a mom, she'll no longer have bladder control and will be unable to attend comedy shows or bounce on the trampoline with reckless abandon.  Not that she'll have the energy to do that anyway.  Especially if she had to see the fertility specialist and has multiples.

It'll be right after she's purchased the pallet of Costco Super Plus tampons for her post-pregnancy Niagara Falls periods that it'll all change.

She'll wonder why the hell she's getting long black pubic looking hairs on her chin.  And why no one told her they were there.  It's like 3 inches long and jet black.  Something like that can not go unnoticed, or unplucked.

Out of nowhere she'll become a moody bitch overnight.  The same night that she couldn't sleep because it was way too hot and she was swimming in a pool of her own sweat.  Even though the window was open in the middle of January.

Now finally doesn't have to carry a purse for her tampons.  But, she'll need it for her AARP card, her reading glasses, arthritis medication and ibuprofen.  And room for the rolls that she'll wrap in a napkin to bring home from Sizzler.  If the economy doesn't crash before that and there still is a Sizzler...

But, no matter the journey that my daughter's ovaries take her.  At least she'll never have to know what this is...

...and thank god for that.  Cause they really make your ass look rectangular in a pair of white jeans. And the boys don't like that.

Ovarian Cancer Symptoms

Frequent bloating.
Pain in your belly or pelvis.
Trouble eating or feeling full quickly.
Urinary problems, such as urgent need to urinate or urinating more often than usual.  


Jenn said...

True stepmother went with me to buy my first "supplies." She got me pads. Pads that had no adhesive on them. Which are kind of hard to use without a belt, which I also (thank heavens!) didn't have. I think I resorted to duct tape... said...

I don't think those thoughts crossed my mind when my daughters were approaching 12... decades ago.

The Loerzels said...

@ Jen- That's HILAARIOUS!
@ Roy-That's because you're not a woman.

BLissed-Out Grandma said...

Those belts and pads were awful. PMS was awful. Migraines that coincided with my cycle were awful. Then I needed a hysterectomy and that was awful, too, until hormone therapy kicked in and the surgery healed. After 15 or 20 years of relative bliss, I had to kick the hormones, and the resulting menopause was awful, too. But now that you mention it, I feel lucky because ovarian cancer would be the most awful of all.

Leah Griffith said...

Ah yes, the ovaries...the pink twins who dish out seeds and hormones like the peanut man at a ballgame. What power they wield!

I never thought about it before but you are right...nobody looks good in white pants. LOL!

MuMuGB said...

I suppose that it is just tough to be a woman. I too worry for my daughters. That said, thee is only so much we can do, right?
On a different note, have you heard about menstrual cups?


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