Wednesday, July 10, 2013

A Tale of Two Boobies


Although I consistently make fun of my lack o' boobage, the truth is I'm quite happy with my small pubescent starter set.  They're less Barbie and far more Skipper, Barbie's flat chested younger sister.  By the way, does anyone else remember the Skipper doll with the boobs that grew when you twisted her arm? Anyhow,  back to the matter at hand, this is about me and how happy I am that I can play golf with a swing uninterrupted by the twins.  Not that I play golf.  But, I could if I wanted to.  I'm glad that I don't need to wear two jog bras at the same time to run comfortably.  Not that I run either.  Anyway, I knew I had to write about my boobs when I had two incidents with them in just the last two weeks. 

 (You may notice there is a theme of two in this post....)

The first occurred on a Friday night at happy hour at our pool.  I wore a t-shirt I bought from a thrift store last year.  "Keep it Real:  Silicone Free",  it says.  I had some misgivings about it, but much too late after the chain of event started.  So as the sun went down and it started to cool down, I changed out of my bathing suit and back into that fateful t-shirt.
Me looking like a dork right after I scored this t-shirt 

When I rejoined my group of friends, two women commented that they loved my shirt.  So, I explained how I got it at a thrift store and bought because I don't have boobs that anyone would ever accuse me of being fake.  Which is precisely what I find so freakin' hilarious about wearing it.

However, right next to those women, embroiled in her own conversation, was another dear friend of mine who has breast implants.  This was that whole "oh crap" misgiving feeling I had earlier when I changed into the only clothes I brought with me to the pool.  Her family has a long history of breast cancer and in a preemptive, pre-Angelina Jolie mastectomy, she had them removed.  I felt like a total heel.  Worse than a heel, the gooey gum stuck to that heel stretching from the shoe to the sidewalk, getting ever thinner.

Maybe she didn't notice my shirt. That's what I told myself. Later, my husband disagreed and told me he thought I should address it with her directly.  But that was the next morning, after the fact. After a lot of contemplation, I decided not to.  I thought bringing it up out of the blue and making it a "thing" might be even worse.  So I decided to not mention anything unless it came up again in casual conversation or unless I wrote a blog post about it.  Whichever came first.  Of course I never actually planned on writing a blog post about this.

Until...yesterday.  When there was another issue involving my boobs.

Again, I was at the pool.  My friend Lori and I were looking at pictures of my friend Lynn's European vacation on her i-pad when Ember came to get me to show me her latest and greatest trick in the pool. So, I followed her down to the edge of the shallow end to watch.  It was there that the plastic clasp on my bathing suit top snapped in half and I stood standing in front of everyone completely topless.   Did I say completely? Totally completely topless!  Including some teenage boys who are friends with my kids.  And the two male lifeguards on guard duty.  And every freakin' other person who was at the pool that day.  You know how when something tragic occurs, like a car accident, and time is suddenly pliable and you have no concept of it anymore.  So, I don't know how long I was standing there proving to the entire pool that.... yes, indeed my boobs really are real.  Really!  Just in case anyone wondered.  Which they didn't.

Broken clasp far left

Of course this is my penance for insensitively wearing that t-shirt the week before.  And also why I now can't make direct eye contact with  some of my sons' friends.

THE END.

11 comments:

Cerebrations.biz said...

You just wanted to prove to the world that your statement was true...
Or, you wanted to embarrass your kids...
Seriously, though, I feel for you. It's a "blushing" moment.

Gwynne Montgomery said...

I have the opposite problem: boobies that would get in the way of a golf swing, and that require layers of jogging bras when running (neither of which I actually do...)

But they're real :)

I can imagine how mortifying it would be to have the bathing suit top just snap like that! Not something I'd want to go through!

The Loerzels said...

@ Roy-I embarrass my kids just by breathing, this may just kill them.
@ Gwynne-I have vowed to not wear a bandeau top ever again. Unless I find one I love for really cheap with a metal clasp.

Joy Page Manuel said...

It's been a full minute since I read the last sentence of this blog post and I'm still waiting for some magical surprise, maybe a trick on blogger that allows you to magically flash a REAL final sentence, the clincher, saying that this whole thing was a dream...or a joke....or anything else.....

Said magical sentence is nowhere to be found :-((((((( Yikes!

The Loerzels said...

@ Joy-NO FREAKIN' JOKE!

Sandra said...

I bet your milkshake brings all the boys to the yard!....Wait...was that insensitive...? bahahahaha! I'm laughing hysterically. But personally, I think your post could have been that much better if you'd posted a picture of your boobs, you know, to prove the point that you don't have fakers.

Jenn said...

I'm sorry Marie, I am laughing my head off at your expense. But I guess that does prove what they say about karma. (Though I'm willing to bet your silicone-sporting friend would appreciate the irony of that T-shirt.)

The Loerzels said...

@ Sandra-I'd let you touch them to verify they aren't fakers!
@Jenn-I'm going camping with her (and other friends tomorrow) I have a feeling someone (ok, my friend Lori) will totally bring this up during our 3 day extravaganza.

MuMuGB said...

Well, another advantage of being French is that most French women, regardless of their age, bathe topless.When I show my boobs (not on purpose, of course), I can always say that it is common practice in France. It doesn't really work but hey, that's my excuse and I stick to it!

Chantel said...

LMAO! Oh word UP! I used to say, I sucked at school but made up for my C & D grades with my AAA boobs! (who the hell decided to equate battery sizes with boob sizes anyway?)

I would NEVER be able to face those boys again....lol lol lol...

Penelope J said...

Sounds like your worst nightmare come true. Except if you don't have any boobies to speak of, no one can think you did it to show them off. Or doubt that what you have is real. Maybe the T-shirt was more revealing.

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