Monday, January 28, 2013

I'm a Horrible Person




It was a regional jet with 4 seats across from Salt Lake City direct to Colorado Springs. As I approached my seat,  the sweaty man next to mine didn't make eye contact.  So, I didn't pursue any pleasantries. He was transfixed by the animated show on his laptop and consumed every inch of his seat. I settled in 32C,  deftly arching my body toward the aisle in a crescent, careful not to graze my elbow on the shared armrest and make accidental contact.  Then, I opened my book and completely escaped.

On Friday, I met Lori at a local eatery near my house, for lunch, anxious to catch up on the events of the last month. We had a lot of ground to cover, so we jumped right in. While perusing the menu, she asked about my trip. So I quickly recapped my weekend in Salt Lake. She decided on the salmon salad. Which reminded me of the chocolate balsamic vinaigrette salad dressing that my sister and I made for lunch right before she dropped me off at the airport return home.  (My conversations frequently turn to food.)   It's so delicious, in a very decadent garlicky-minimum-of-three-days-on-your-breath-because-you-can't-brush-it-nor-mouth-wash-it-off-your-breath-kinda-way.  So, I told her that I sympathized with the man who had to sit next to me on the plane.  Briefly.  Before I rescinded my empathy and announced, "But, he was diiiiiisguuuuuuuusting", with a long drawn out drawl in the middle of the restaurant.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a familiar black and yellow hockey jersey. The same one I saw on Sunday. On the plane. Oh. My. God. What are the chances that the guy from the plane is sitting right behind me at the restaurant? And I said he was disgusting.  Maybe he didn't hear it.  But, not only did I said it loud, I enunciated every syllable with my mouth, so even the hearing impaired could  read my lips and know the heinous thing that came out of it.  He definitely heard me.  Because he looked directly at me to acknowledge my offense.  I was too mortified to meet his gaze. And I was searching my memory to see if I could remember if he had luggage or not. Because exactly what are the chances he's wearing the same shirt?  Which I would argue helps support the argument that he is in fact disgusting. That is, if I didn't feel like the most horrible, hurtful person on earth. Which I did. And still do.

I was preoccupied for the rest of the meal wondering if he was going to say anything to me when he left. He didn't. Nor did I apologize to him. Which made me further ashamed of myself. When I confessed to Lori, she tried to console me.  "Maybe he's a child molester."  Come on.  What are the chances?  Then, she tried a different approach.  What if  he thought disgusting is like "phat" used to be.  You know, slang for cool.  Maybe he interpreted it that way.   He didn't.   Lori and I are now trying to establish "disgusting" as the new "phat".   ie:  "Did you see Adam Levine take off his shirt on Saturday Night Live last night? Dude,  that was so diiiisssgguuuutttting!"  And while doing that is fun, I still feel awful.  And need to redeem myself.

Since it's unlikely that I will run into that disgusting, phat guy again, or so I hope.  I'm seeking atonement for my gross indiscretion. By doing a public service, since I've already self flagellated.  So, I'm sharing the recipe for that  Chocolate Balsamic Salad Dressing that started all of this in the first place.

4 tsps cocoa powder
1 tbsp brown sugar
1 tsp dijon mustard
1 clove garlic, pressed
5 tbsp balsamic vinegar
2/3 cup olive oil

Serve over spinach with blackberries, pears, feta cheese and walnuts.

You just might not want to eat it before you get on a plane.  But, it's so disgusting you probably won't be able to help yourself!

(Oh, I imagine this dressing would also taste great drizzled over Adam Levine.  Now that would be totally disgusting!)


12 comments:

Chantel said...

lol! Oh girl, I would have died! Well, at least crawled under the table--how small can the world get??

Cannot wait to try that dressing... if it's as good as you say, you've made up for kicking the karma dog in my book.

Lori Lilly said...

Sharing the dressing recipe has absolved you I'm sure. Do you think we should be spelling the new disgusting like 'D-scutin' or something??

The Loerzels said...

@ Chantel- I hope so!
@ Lori- You're totally right!

Gary said...

Mmmm! Several of my favorite things in one convenient concoction! I'll be drizzling some of this stuff soon. Consider yourself atoned in my book anyway.

Hockey-guy was probably just telling his dining companions how he cleverly feigned interest in his laptop to avoid being orally fumigated by his choco-garlic-infused seatmate. You never know...

The Loerzels said...

@ Gary-As he should have!

Cerebrations.biz said...

I'm with you on the description AND the chocolate balsamic salad...

Sine said...

haha, I have been in similar situations and it is SO uncomfortable. And don't we always tell our kids they shouldn't text or say anything that couldn't be said out in the open? Which just goes to show that our kids shouldn't really listen to us all that much.
I'm very glad though to get this awesome recipe out of it. Sounds diviiiiiine (as South Africans like to say).

Leah Griffith said...

OH MY WORD! Hahahaha! Sorry;) But really...what are the chances of that happening? You should buy a lotto ticket. Perhaps it will work in reverse.

MuMuGB said...

You know what: you should blame it on the fact that you don't like planes. In fact, I don't think that you should be ashamed of anything: he was sweaty and disgusting. Now he knows and can do something about him. You did him a favour.

Joy Page Manuel said...

Thanks for that disgusting recipe. I took note of it and am so ready to be disgusted soon! I don't think you're that horrible. If it's any consolation, I would've done exactly the same thing...well, that part about not apologizing and pretending I was not heard/found out. Admittedly, I'm way too shy/reserved to begin with to have such an 'accident' at a restaurant. Actually no. The real reason it would be easier for me is cos I can speak in Filipino and no one but my bff would understand me. Thank God.

Abby said...

"Maybe he's a child molester." She is a keeper...big time. We all need friends to justify our behavior, no? But yes, truly awkward, although I'm glad you didn't lose too much sleep over it. After all, perhaps he took it as an opportunity to better his personal hygiene?

I was flying to a work conference a couple years ago and sat next to this dude who had three mini bottles of alcohol with his OJ during a three hour flight. He got loud and obnoxious. Turns out he was the keynote speaker at the conference. We he saw me, he crapped kittens, metaphorically speaking.

The Loerzels said...

@ Abby-Yeah, she's one of my best friends for that reason! And crapping kittens? Hil-a-rious!

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