Saturday, December 22, 2012

Battle of the Sexes


Yesterday all of 4 my kids went to rock band camp. At 3 different times. First the girls. You know, ladies first and all. Then, the boys. After that, River had another session with his band. And they all put on rockin' performances at the end. But, my day was spent driving them back and forth. Which is fine, it's just that it was also Sky's 14th birthday.

Normally, on the kids birthdays I cook a special dinner of their choosing. But, with all that to-ing and fro-ing and other priorities I had at home, I didn't have time to go to the grocery store, let alone cook the items I didn't get. Instead, we broke tradition and decided to go to a restaurant. Sky's favorite restaurant.

Ember started the conversation. Her deep probing question to her siblings was "What are you going to change your name to when you're an adult?" Which took me directly to mom guilt. Because we gave our kids unusual names, I instantaneously assumed I completely ruined their lives. Forever. Luckily, Jade likes her name. The thing about my girls names is they clearly define them as girls. I think. At least, there has never been an issue I'm aware of.

The boys are a different story. On paper and over the phone, their ambiguous, gender neutral names have caused confusion. I frequently have to assure them that Sky is in fact a boy. It was much harder to convince the passport office that River is in fact a boy after the US government officially declared his sex female right there in black and white in his passport. To make matters worse, his Russian birth certificate is written in Russian. Second, Russian birth certificates do not state the sex of the baby. The baby's sex is denoted by the baby's name. Mikhail being a boy and Natasha clearly being a girl. Maybe this is why River is considering changing his name to Paul. Which luckily, is his middle name anyway.

But, Sky? He doesn't see himself as a John or Bob. Justin or Bruno. He thinks his name suits him just fine. So, at least we have a 50/50 success rate.

Right before the food arrives, Sky excuses himself to go to the men's room. When he returns to the table, he starts talking about the paintings on the wall in there. He thought they were weird. Then the conversation turned to spies. Immediately, I knew I needed one. I had to see these pictures in the little boys' room for myself.

Before I show you what was in the men's room. I had to see what was on the walls in the ladies room. You know, for comparison's sake.


Leaves.


More leaves.


And a lovely sunset.

I recruited Craig to covertly go into the men's room and take photos of the pictures hanging in there.


A sexy leg.


A sultry back.


And every man's dream, a freaky chick wrapped loosely in a see through bed sheet straight jacket.

Is it just me? Or is there a big disparity in the pictures in the bathrooms? Why the hell don't we have pictures of guys at the beach in gauzy white see through shirts? Better yet, why aren't there pictures of women laying in hammocks with men in gauzy shirts bringing us drinks? And why is the lighting in the mens room so dim? And the womens isn't?


And I think I now know why this restaurant is Sky's favorite. Because he is definitely, unequivocally, a male.

BONUS: If you live in Colorado Springs can you guess which restaurant we ate at?


6 comments:

Cerebrations.biz said...

You know, I have found that men's bathrooms have those bizarre pictures, sports pages, or nothing. I always wondered what the idiots decided to put in the women's bathrooms. Thanks for insuring my thoughts- they were idiots!

Blissed-Out Grandma said...

Wow. It never occurred to me that men's rooms would be decorated like that, and with low light, too. Not exactly family-friendly, I'd say. I love your kids' names, but at some point I think every kid wants a new name. Or they do things like spelling Nancy with an i instead of a y.

Leah Griffith said...

First of all your kids have great names. Next...welll,men are so predictable;)
Merry Christmas Marie.

The Loerzels said...

@ Roy-I think I want Craig to take pictures of the men's room pictures everywhere we go now!
@ BOG-True. I was never found of Marie growing up. And when we lived in Miami I was constantly called Maria. But, now I like it. Marie, not Maria. For clarity's sake.
@Leah- Merry Christmas to you too!

MuMuGB said...

You know, from time to time I keep being asked what my gender is, or what my daughters' gender is. It has something to do with not having a typical 'anglo saxon' first name. To make matters even worse, sometimes they mix up the surname and the first name. You simply can't win with the authorities.
I don't really care any more. I like to see the look I get when i am called 'Mister" and they see that I am a woman. Priceless.

Hajra said...

I have always wondered what pictures they hang in the male bathrooms, thanks for enlightening us on that! In the female bathrooms here, we have pretty pictures here, better than leaves at least! :)

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