Friday, June 15, 2012

The Embassy




I've been dying to give you the scoop on embassy life for a very long time. And now that I've left Morocco and I'm back safely on American soil, I think it's time to divulge all it's secrets. Including how subversive it's culture is, how fake the people are and how destructive it is to the American dream. I'm speaking of course of Embassy Suites.

 Before we left Morocco, while all of our possessions were packed up into boxes and we prepared to move to Africa, we stayed at the Embassy Suites for a week. Because it was simply the cheapest hotel option for a family of six at $99/ a night. So, when we found out our house wouldn't be ready to move into immediately we knew exactly where to stay.  Embassy Suites. And how perfect it was to go full circle and stay at the same place we started this whole adventure.  No matter that it was  now  $139/a night for all six of us. Because, despite the price increase, it's still the best deal in town.

We arrived at the airport after hours and hours of  travel to the beautiful sight of our friends welcoming us at the airport.  After renting a car, schlepping our bags to the hotel, checking in on our house, making a run to the grocery store, swimming in the hotel pool and happy hour, we simply couldn't stay up any longer. It was 6:30pm. Which of course meant the following morning would be an early one.



And it was.  We were up so early and yet still so tired, we couldn't wait for breakfast to have our first cup of coffee. So we made it in our room. Our room filled with environmental propaganda on how "green" the hotel is. After tearing open the plastic wrap of two individual pods of coffee, two stir sticks and a hell of a lot of creamer and sugars (Craig has a sweet tooth), the coffee dispensed itself into two disposable cups. They even had those very American coffee sleeves, because god forbid some dumb ass doesn't realize coffee is hot and burns their hand from stupidity and sues or something.  I decided to forgo the sleeve and therefore single handedly save the rain forest that sliver of tree.   Which I'm sure that sliver was re purposed from coffee sleeve to coffee stirrer anyway.  Oh well, I tried.



After we took our extra long, extra hot showers to wash away the travel funk, because we're not paying for the water, we followed the herd to breakfast. This is where we really get our moneys worth. My kids are freakin' pigs, ok. So, if you put out fruit loop, donuts, chocolate milk and pancakes and tell them they can eat as much as they want from the hours of 6:30am to 10:30am, they are going to hoark it down like starving children in Africa.  And then they're going to come back later for a second breakfast right before breakfast ends, like  the American kids they are.   Of course we don't discourage this because, everything they consume reduces the price of our stay.  So, we ignore the fact that this gluttonous consumption increases obesity, which in turn increases the cost of medical care that we all pay for. It is the American way after all.



Did I mention there's bacon on the buffet?  Real bacon  we didn't have in Morocco. Did I mention I  ate at least 5 strips every morning?  I should probably schedule and appointment with a cardiologist  now or at the very least,  take the stairs on my way back up to the room. But somehow, they've made it hard to find them, so I take the elevator instead.



After long days out and about registering the kids for school, buying a washer and dryer, trying to set up internet, getting cell phones, braving the crowds at Walmart, we needed some time to just relax and unwind. Of course Embassy Suites has us covered. It's called Happy Hour and from 5:30pm to 7:30pm you can consume as much liquor and heart clogging foods as you'd like.  For free. At least red wine is good for your heart and maybe it'll counteract the effects of the snacks.  Except only one glass of red a day is supposed to be good for your heart. But, I'm an American so even though the research says only one glass a day, I'm positive a second glass will be even better for me.  Or so I tell myself.

 

Don't worry, even though we were tempted to let the kids drink wine so they would sleep better, we settled for Shirley Temples. Cause there's nothing better than sugaring your sleep deprived kids up right before they go to bed.  The bartender was more than happy to do it too because she knows if you make the kids happy and serve their parents wine it results in big tips.  That's why she has such a big smile on her face.



Now, no happy hour is complete without snacks. After 2 years of living in a middle eastern country I should have known better than to try the hummus that I'm positive is served fresh from the can with  fried pita.
 
 

No, it's far better to stick to the craptastic Mexican salsa that comes out of a plastic gallon sized drum. That's way more American. Now between the breakfast and the happy hour, not to mention the long hot showers, I'm pretty sure they're  not making any money from us, but paying us to stay with them.  Which is why we'll extend our reservation and stay one more night until our shipment of  kitchen items arrives the next day. Except, there's no room for us to stay another night. They're completely booked. Which explains how they stay in business. Businessmen. One to a room. Yes, of course, it's the law of averages.

So what's my point? You can get a great deal at the Embassy Suites, but every happy hour ends and when it does it will cost you. Probably at the least, a trip to the cardiologist.

10 comments:

Cerebrations.biz said...

Welcome home to the excesses of the States. May your adjustments be fine and the duration short.

Thom Brown said...

Yes - welcome home. You'll be glad to know the sugared children/hyperactive connection is a myth.

Lalia said...

Welcome home!!!

Chantel said...

I stared at that pile of bacon for like three minutes. (I have a smashing recipe for bacon brittle--like peanut brittle only with bacon and cashews--if you ever want to cause addiction in every guest at your Holiday bash)

And where have I been that I had NO idea about free hotel happy hours??

Welcome home darling, whatever did you do without Walmart?

The Loerzels said...

@ Chantel Please for the love of god post the bacon brittle recipe!

Zafira said...

Welcome back to the USA!

Leah Griffith said...

I'm glad to see that geographical location has nothing to do with your ability to entertain me;) Welcome home!

Bacon brittle? Did someone mention bacon brittle?!! See, we Americans are not as shallow as some would think;)

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MuMuGB said...

What can I say? it is obvious that you are back...

Joy Page Manuel said...

And this is just the beginning. I would have to admit. Now I'm really REALLY looking forward to your future posts on the American life. With fresh eyes, I think this is going to be one hell of an exciting (and insightful) ride!!

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