Friday, April 13, 2012

Bathing Suit Season

It's that time of year. The time of year when our thoughts drift into the dog days of summer. Leisurely mornings unencumbered by prodding the kids for school, late nights spent camping with dancing fireflies, your favorite brew quenching your afternoon thirst by the barbecue. Yes, it's getting to be the time of year many women dread. Bathing suit season.

Here in Morocco a woman has a lot of swim wear options. But, not quite as many as European women do. So, toplessness is a no-no. As is thong. However, you can blare The Thong Song at the children's Zara at Morocco Mall with absolutely no consequence. But getting back to the topic at hand, basically, almost anything goes. So, bikini, tankini, burkini. Whatever.

Wait, you don't know what a burkini is?

A burkini is the aquatic friendly equivalent to the burka. Not that some women don't go swimming with their everyday unaquatic friendly djellabas and head scarves on. Cause they do. But if you've ever swam with your clothes on, you may know that they really weigh you down and aren't conducive to real, actual swimming. And you know that from that time you were at that party and someone pushed you into the pool. Yeah, I heard about that.

So what do you do if you really want to swim and yet be fully and completely covered at the same time? You wear a burkini.

My friend Claire saw them at the Marjane (the Moroccan equivalent of Walmart, but crappier). Sara added that there are fitting rooms at the Marjane too. I know it sounds normal for a store to have dressing rooms, especially if you live in the states. But if you live here and shop at Marjane I bet you didn't know they had them either. After all, the olive bar is bigger and more prominently located than the dressing rooms. I was intrigued. And so I went to check it out for myself.

Sure enough, there it hung with its sassy peplum skirt that probably creates just enough drag in the water to really work your biceps while you stroke. I'm pretty sure that's why it's there. Oh, by the way, did you know that veiled women can compete in beauty pageants in Morocco? How's that for an oxymoron?

I found my size. But, I just couldn't get myself to use the sketchy fitting room made of plywood, guarded by an equally sketchy male security guard standing directly in front of it. Oddly, his presence made me feel less secure about taking off my clothes obscured only by a flimsy door right between the bread and the luggage. And the security guard.

But, I will not let the flimsy door, the security guard or the oxymorons win.

So, since it was reasonably priced. You know, in all my burkini comparison shopping. I bought it. And I'm pretty sure I'm totally going to get my money's worth out of it. Think about it. It solves a lot of problems. I don't need to shave. Or wear sunscreen. I don't have to shed those extra pounds I gained in Turkey. And I don't have to worry about tucking that damn dangling tampon string in. Oh yeah, I said it.

Problem solved!

But. Cause you know there is a but. The one glaring problem with the burkini? This modest swim attire does not come with a modesty lining. They do say that bare skin is a big turn on in these parts. Perhaps Moroccan men don't find the nipplage of a woman who has just swam in some cold water erotic. But, I would bet they do. And I bet it's far more of a turn-on than an uncovered shoulder. Or an exposed leg.

So modest? I don't think so. And do you know how ridculous the tan line around my face is going to look?


Martha J. M. Orlando said...

This is hysterical! Love your wit in this awesome post.
And, that burkini looks a lot like a wet suit, doesn't it?
Have a great time at the beach! :)

Stuart Nager said...

Rock the burkini...which sounds like a drink you need to come up with.

What are you going to write about when you get to Colorado?

SherilinR said...

it sort of looks like a really plain ice skating outfit. maybe if you bedazzle it you could get your monies worth as it would become dual purpose. maybe something involving jewels around the nip region to really highlight those things.
also, you could wear a full, padded bra under there & that might solve the niproblem.

Chantel said...

Come up with the drink and THEN get out the bedazzle kit....maybe you can sell pasties as an accessory?

Personally, I think you look like a hot superhero--you just need some of those Japanese swords and a cape. (can you hear in that thing?) Maybe your secret power is sonar...Batphin Girl. (bat+dolphin)

Kristy @PampersandPinot said...

I have considered a full coverage option such as this before. The opposite scares the crap out of me! :)

Leah Griffith said...

All I can do is laugh at this post. You're such a goofball! Really...I'm laughing out loud all by myself as I look at you in that black skirty seal skin get-up! And the goggles...hahahaha!! You're such a good sport and an excellent writer, and a hilarious comedian! Thank you for buying that outfit...but be careful because that thing looks heavy—better wear your water-wings;)


momto8 said...

well I definitely learn something new everyday!
how interesting life is!!
I am your newest follower..pls follow back if you can.

Blissed-Out Grandma said...

You definitely rock the burkini. I could use one just for the sun protection. But immediately I'd want to ask a clerk: Does this come in other colors? Do you have any with special tummy-slimming panels? I'm guessing there are no clerks around and the guard wouldn't be much help. said...

Wow- are you sure these are not issued by Navy Seals to those intrepid women willing to join their ranks? That's the aura it provides!
Love it.

Sine said...

LOL. How boring and unexotic South Africa is in comparison. Or maybe I need to go out there more often and find burkini-equivalents for something to write about. On the bright side, I got stopped again by police looking for bribes with a new twist to that story...

The Loerzels said...

@Martha while it may look like a wet suit, it doesn't keep you near as warm. Thus the nipplage...
@ Stuart I will start mixing and tasting upon my return to create the burkini.
@Sherillyn you're right I should bling out the nips instead of hiding them or I could wear a super padded bra to make it look like I indeed had boobs.
@Chantel Batphin girl would require a cape for sure.
@Kristy would you like me to pick one up for you?
@Leah thanks for the compliment on writing, considering it came from such a great (published) writer!
@mom thanks for reading.
@BOG no other colors to choose from sorry. In case you haven't heard, black is the new black though.
@Roy strangely I don't feel seal-ish in it. Maybe if I carried a knife or something.
@Sine Morocco is exotic for sure.


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