Monday, October 24, 2011

Expedition Impossible

We started watching it to boost the kids morale. Aren't we lucky to live in Morocco? See how cool it is? Cool enough to make a reality tv show from it. Not that my kids know what reality tv is luckily. Because you see, we don't have tv here. That is of course why we're only on episode 8 of Expedition Impossible when the whole rest of the world has watched and forgotten it already.

The day started like any other weekend morning. The kids got up and scarfed down some cereal,promptly started fighting with each other and then asked the question. What are we doing today? But in Whinese that sounds a lot more like whhhhaaaatttt aaaaarrrrrrreeee weeee goooonnnnnaaa dooooooooo? We tell them we're going on a hike, sure that that will satiate their need to do something. But of course it doesn't.

"But, I don't waaaaaaaannnnnnnt to go on a hiiiiiikkkkkkkkkkeeeee. Can I just stay home?", nameless child inquires.
I respond with, "Doesn't that defeat the purpose of going on a fun family hike if the whole family doesn't go? So, we're all going. Now let's all go and have F-U-N, fun."

The problem with hiking here is there aren't any trailheads near us. In fact, I don't know if there are any designated hiking trails anywhere in Morocco. Except for maybe a well worn trail to Mecca. And I think a pilgramage there would be a little too lofty for a Saturday afternoon. So, we'll have to save that for another time. In the meantime, Craig consults the the map and the internet and has made a triptik for us AAA-style. He's chosen it for it's Colorado-like trees, hills and creek.

So, we drive about an hour outside of town, up through the hills until we come to a small village. We park the car on a dirt road, file out, load up and start hiking.

This is the part where I remember that I forgot to bring the sunscreen yet again. And it's really hot and sunny. No worries, I'm sure when we round the bend, there will be shade of all those Colorado-like trees. But no. The trees are way off in the distance. There is nothing but open space and yet the kids are clustered together. Not because they enjoy one another's company mind you. They are bickering over who's out in front, bragging about who has had the least amount of water to drink thus far and yes who has done the least amount of fighting. Counterintuitive right? Why do I have to yell, I mean tell, them to get away from each other when there's all this freakin' space? And who the hell fights about who's fighting the least? Is this the he who fights last, fights best philosophy? It just doesn't make sense.

Are we having fun yet?

We come to a pumpkin patch. And this would be our fist clue. A clue that it's actually fall in Morocco and not summer. After all, there are no tell-tale indicators of Autumn here like falling leaves, crisp fall air or Halloween decorations.

We cut accross the field to head in the direction of the creek. Our second clue? It comes in piles of shit that are strewn accross the pumpkin patch like landmines. Some large animals live here.

Someone has got a clue that this shit is great fertilizer. Check out this ginormous zuchini like vegetable grown in the pumpkin patch shit mindfield. (I hope that someone is taking that sucker to the county fair to win a blue ribbon. I do mean the zuchinni and not the shit by the way. Altough it was quite impressive also...)

Now, as we're hiking along, kid who didn't want to come, will not stop complaining.

"It's the most horrible day of my life. Morocco sucks. I'd rather be home cleaning my room."

To which I reply, "I thought that was yesterday. No Morocco doesn't suck, your attitude does. And dude, you have no idea... I would much rather you be home cleaning your room too!" Ok, it wasn't a shining mom moment for me.

Then we see the mother of all ginormous zuchinni like vegetable fertilizers. Bulls. Although I guess that would technically make them the fathers of all zuchinni fertilizers.

We're almost at the bank of the creek. But, whiny kid is incessant and will not stop complaining. As we wade through the tall grass, I wish I had a machette to chop through it. In retrospect, it's a good thing I didn't.

Finally, we reach the creek. And yes, this is a picture of the creek....ALL DRIED UP!
Are you kidding me? We hiked listening to whiny kid the whole way and there's no prize at the end? There's no where to even sit down on the sludgy creek bed filled with bullshit and have a drink of water.

And I started to think what it would really be like to be on Expedition Impossible...

1. Everyone on Expedition Impossible actually WANTS to be there.
2. I'm sure that they don't shop or cook for their own food on the show.
3. So therefore, I'm sure no one is complaining about the food in Whinese.
3. No contestants are in flip flops because they refused to wear proper footwear.
4. In fact, all the proper supplies mysteriously appear when they need them.
5. Like machettes.
6. You can tell your kid team mate to go jump off a cliff and they will.
7. When they go to a creek, there is actually water there.
8. Losing gets you evacuated by helicopter to a posh hotel that I'm sure has tv.
9. Wait, there aren't any whining kids on the show.
10. Someone is at home babysitting their kids!

That's it! How do I sign up for next season?


christine said...

I love your blog...long time reader, but never commented. So "hi" and you've got me laughin' out loud quite often- so thanks : )
By the way- glad you decided to "be a writer" cuz yer darn good at it!

The Loerzels said...

Thank you so much Christine!

Sine said...

Ha! You and I need to get together over a glass of wine. We have all the same stories, I swear! I wrote "the very boring hike" on my blog not too long ago, and the whiny kid sounds VERY familiar. And the sort of disappointing destination, even if our river did have water, but we just looked at it from above. And the near mutiny when our path took us through a township and we were the only white people walking through it... But that's the beauty of writing a blog. The worse the hike, the better the story afterwards. Well done once again!

The Loerzels said...

Well, maybe we can actually have that glass of wine Sine!

my3littlebirds said...

And this is why we don't hike. Well, this and the fact that I'd rather stay home and eat Doritos.
Thanks for playing along in my little linkup. Always love your stories.


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