Thursday, December 8, 2016

Winter Hazards

PC: Boston Globe

Winter is a frigid and hazardous time fraught with worry.  What if I or someone in my family gets into a car wreck on the icy roads?  How much would my insurance go up? What if a water pipe freezes and bursts inside my house? Would waterlogged recharger cords for our electronics still work or would we get electrocuted? What if I forgot to pay the utility bill and we didn't have any heat?  That one's easy.  We'd burn Christmas cards and letters in the fireplace to stay warm.  Before we set fire to all the furniture the kids and dogs have ruined.

But, what about the other hazards?

Like having bad hair for months on end.  Because dry air equals bad, frizzy hair.  Even if you do somehow manage to get out of the house while your hair looks good, it won't last long.  First, it'll get blown by arctic air when you're pumping gas.  Then, it will start snowing.  Why is your gas tank always on empty when it's snowing anyway?  When you get back into your nice warm car, then the snow melts, soaking your hair.  Revealing its true uncoiffed texture and that cowlick it took you 10 minutes and lots of expensive product to tame.  Sure, you could wear a hat, but that only makes matters worse.  'Tis the season for staticky hat hair!

You'll stock up on all kinds of comfort foods at the grocery store to give you solace during the dark, bitter cold nights you spend curled up on your couch watching House Hunters, the vacation home episodes.  But, when you get to the store, you'll run into that acquaintance, you know, the chatty one you don't know where you know her from, in the produce section.  You'll have snot running down your nose making a beeline for your mouth, because that's what happens when it's cold outside.  In the absence of a tissue, and in a moment of panic, you wipe it on your hand while making small talk with whats-her-face.  Then, after you finally say your goodbyes, you'll proceed to see whats-her-face in every other aisle.  

Everything's wet, including the roads and your beautiful hardwood floors you just washed yesterday.  Everything except your skin.  Your skin is ashy and flaky and your lips are so chapped it looks like you're wearing dark lipstick that's completely the wrong shade for you.  But, your hands are the worst.  They're so dehydrated they ache when you bend your fingers.  And slathering moisturizer on them makes them sting even more.  Plus, now you can't open doors, a jar or pole dance because your hands are too greasy and slippery.  

Wearing gloves doesn't solve anything.  In fact, gloves or no gloves, my fingertips will not thaw out until May.  And have you tried picking up dog poop with a plastic bag over your glove?  It's nearly impossible.  Plus, with gloves acting like an oven mitt, you don't even get to feel the warmth from the dog poop on your hands.  What a cruel joke.  But, gloves are a far superior option to wipe your snot on than on your hand.  

So there's that...





2 comments:

Nasreen Iqbal said...

I am fortunate to live in a place where it doesn't get lower than the forties very often and only snows about twice a decade, but I've been to places where things get rough, so i could relate to your post here.

It toughens people up, maybe? I know that here in Houston, if there's even a chance of a freeze, everything gets cancelled and people are talking as though it's the apocalypose.

I hope you make it through in one piece and get some more stories out of it!

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