Thursday, October 27, 2016

My Kids' Sports Are Ruining My Life

It's that time of year again.  When you're stressed with seasonal obligations and niceties.  There's so much organizing and planning to be done. Then there are all the parties and gifts.  Then on top of that, you're expected to get into the spirit of the season.  Which is really hard when you're exhausted and probably suffering from some co-morbid seasonal depression.  All because your kid's sport is in season.

In our house, it's basketball.  But it has been swimming, volleyball, fencing, tennis, parkour, baseball, ultimate frisbee, soccer, track and cross country.   The most boring was baseball.  Can you call something a sport if most of the players are standing around waiting for something to happen most of the time?  The most frustrating was swimming because a swim meet lasts like an entire year.  And the coolest was fencing, which three of my kids took together.  Although my kids didn't like it enough to continue beyond one session.  Which I still don't understand because who doesn't want to stab their sibling with a foil?  God knows I wanted to!

So, of all the sports my kids could play, I guess basketball is a pretty good one.  The game moves at a decent pace and actually requires my kids move to play it.  Sometimes they even sweat.  But, since I've never played basketball myself,  I don't know the rules. (Even though I've watched my girls play it for several seasons now.)  Like when two girls are rolling around on the court floor fighting for the ball how do they decide who gets it?  And is it a rule that I always sit next to the mom who cheers really, really loudly.  Screaming things like, "Good D"?   Which reminds me of that completely inappropriate Key and Peele episode that has nothing to do with playing good defense.  And then laughing at that mom distracts me from watching my kid play.

This year one of my kids has her practices on Friday nights.  Are you even kidding me?  Friday night?  Do you know what I do on Friday nights?  No.  I don't go out to dinner.  Are you kidding me?  There are too many people out on Fridays.  Which means it's going to be crowded and loud.  Which is the same reason I don't go to the movies, a concert or really anywhere else on a Friday.  No, on a Friday night I like to be curled up with a slice of pizza and a glass of wine on my couch in my pjs with Netflix the way god intended.  Now, I'll be forced to sit on wooden bleachers making small talk.  Do you even know how painful that is?  Have you sat on an unforgiving wooden bleacher without a backrest lately while talking about the weather?  Have you?

I'm so glad my kids have moved past the mandatory shared soccer snacks.  But, now they've moved into the beginning of the season team building parties, mid-season just-because-we-feel-like-it parties and the celebratory end of season parties.  All of which of course require food.  Gluten-free, vegan, lactose-free, paleo, nut-free, health conscious foods.  So sunflower seeds and water, basically.  The low sodium ones of course.  Don't even get me started on the mid-week practices and trying to find yet another crockpot recipe your family will eat in your absence while you drop off/pick up your WNBA hopeful.  Which we all know is completely delusional.  Which is why I'm more of a basketball scholarship for college hopeful.  It could happen.

I'm so excited when the end of the season approaches until I remember that the team is going to need a coach's gift.  Do I take one for the team and volunteer to do this thankless task?  No.  I spend the last few of my kid's practices praying another mom will take on this burden.  Because I already have a lot of people to shop for in my life and quite frankly, I'm pretty bad at doing it for the people I love most in my life.  I don't want to let the whole team down when I drop the ball on this one.   Thankfully, there's always an overachiever mom who'll step up to the plate.  It doesn't matter that we all know she  took on organizing the coach's gift because she just wants to know who the cheap ass bastards are.  She's still the MVP of moms.  And I'm still the biggest loser.

Why do my kids have to be so damn sporty anyway?

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