I was feeling good about myself when I stepped on the dog scale at the vet just for fun. Because I thought I knew what the display would reveal. But, I didn't. I was 10 pounds heavier than I thought. And even though I knew it was mostly muscle. And, who's kidding, those cheeseburgers. Not to mention the fries. Still, I was shocked. It was, after all, a 30 lb weight gain from when I was in Morocco. Where I was much too unhealthy mentally and much too thin physically. At a time when I was so unhappy internally, I got the most compliments from women on how good I looked externally. And it was really conflicting.
Then a weird thing happened.
With a lot of hard work from the inside out, I began revealing my true imperfect self to the world through my writing and dance. And opening up gave me confidence. I actually like myself now. Even those 30 extra pounds of me. Maybe I even like those most of all. Because that's where my strength comes from. And I've even got some reserves in my thighs now. Not that I don't screw up and get off track. Because I do, all the time. But, I know that if I get myself off track I can get my ass back on track. That while I can't control the external conflicts, I can control how I internalize them.
And that's the difference.
I'm not gonna lie, it's not easy to plod along and stay grounded. Especially in a world that rewards the salacious flash in the pan. I've failed far more than I've succeeded. And I still long to be perfect with perfectly long legs. And my skin is still thin. I still want to be everything to everybody. I still want you to like me. But, I'm not conflicted about it anymore. I'm far more concerned that I like me. Where I'm at. Right now. And I don't think that it's my problem if you don't, anymore. Because...
I like me, so you don't have to.