I saw her at a brewery on a Thursday night and I couldn't take my eyes off of her. She must've felt the same attraction, because she kept looking over at me, flirting and smiling. She was gorgeous with her big blue eyes and ginger hair. Sitting in her high chair sandwiched between her parents without a toy or food or a sibling to distract her. She was attentive and yet so lost in the moment, happily bopping along to the live music. And I was completely in lust with her. Baby lust.
Maybe it's the fact that I have teenagers approaching the college years. Or I'm being nostalgic for a simpler time when my kids were babies. Or close to menopause and thus the cessation of procreation. Because why would I want to go back to those years?
Years when you're completely exhausted. Waking up at 5am every morning to a demanding little tyrant who's dependent on you 24/7. Where being able to take a shower alone and that far off milestone of them someday being able to wipe their own ass are the things that dreams are made of. Not to mention the thought of saving tons of money when they don't need diapers anymore. It was just a simpler time filled with delusions of grandeur.
Because you didn't know.
And no one could tell you.
That parenting never gets easier.
It only gets way more complex, confusing and way the hell more expensive. And while you may not have to wipe anyone's ass anymore or buy diapers for them, I'd actually rather do that than remind my kids to flush the toilet every single time they go because they seem to have forgotten. And while they'll respond with the same curt, sarcastic out of office reply, "I know", all I want is for them to "I do". Which reminds me that one day they're all going to have roommates and/or significant others who live with them. And I'm going to have to apologize to them. I did my best to teach them to flush the toilet every single time, I SWEAR!
So, do I really want to start all over again with a little baby? No. But, I would like the innocence back. Before it got complicated, back when I fully expected myself to be the best parent ever. Back before I had kids and made a zillion mistakes. But that's exactly what parenting is, an exhausting, confusing, complicated, beautiful, exquisite mess. And I'm going to guess that the real reward is one day watching your kids venture out on their own to figure this all out for themselves. And maybe one day they'll be deluded enough to think they'd be perfect parents too and start their own family. And I'm thinking the best way to fulfill this baby lust is by being grandparents who can spoil them and then send them home.
Just not anytime soon of course...