Thursday, July 3, 2014

Becoming Amish

 Photo credit:

It started with a tv show called Breaking Amish, and then its sequel  Return to Amish.  Not that I've seen either of them, but it got me thinking. Being Amish must be incredibly awesome if people leave only to discover they miss the smell of cow manure and shoveling it so much they return. And then I started to think about my entitled first world children.  Whose biggest complaint is that I restrict their screen time.  Then I had an idea.  We should become Amish.  And by 'we' I totally mean the kids.

Just think about it:

1.  They'd learn valuable life skills.  Like how to build a barn.  And make their own clothes.

2.  Plus, they'd be outside enjoying the sunshine.  And eating organic all natural non-hydrogenated foods.

3.  No need to worry about harm from microwaving anything in plastic. And if they miss dinner they can eat it cold.  Or it'll be fed to the pigs.  Serves them right.

4.  Environmental guilt will be obliterated, because our kids won't be using fossil fuels.  Wait, what are the rules for Amish and fossil fuels?  Whale oil for lamps?  Ok, I honestly have no idea.  Nor do I know if it's Greenpeace approved. 

5.  But, we definitely wouldn't have to teach them to drive a car.  Probably, just how to saddle and plow with an ox.

6.  And no member of the opposite sex is going to be interested in sullen, exhausted kids wearing clothes they made themselves from burlap sacks especially when they smell like a rare combo of b.o., cow manure and goat milk.  

7.  So BONUS it's natural birth control.  NATURAL I TELL YOU!

8.  Doing drugs would require that they build their own grow rooms or harvest poppy fields.  Which would be a huge deterrent.

9.  Because they'd have to initially score some poppy plants.  And how would they get to Afghanistan to score those?  A row boat?  Plus, they'd be way too exhausted by this point.

10.   And I didn't even mention fresh bacon,  butter and cheese!  Like really, really fresh.  Yum.

Seriously, I think this is one of the best ideas I've ever had.
Somewhere in Pennsylvania there has got to be an Amish summer camp I can send my kids to.


Christina said...

There's one in Ohio!

The Loerzels said...

There seriously is one???? YEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSS!!!! said...

Um.... I think you need to reconsider the sexual activity part, Ms. L! You will be amazed at what you discover...

Janine Ripper said...

There's a return to Amish!!???

I saw a show once where it was following people going on holiday to an Amish village or something. Of course it was in America. Check it out! Id love to read that story hehehe


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