Thursday, June 26, 2014

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

The real-life chalk outline of the accident.

It happened 8 months ago.  Right after I'd gotten my marriage back on track.  Right before I published my book about how I got it there.  My husband fell off the roof and I found him unconscious in a pool of his own blood on my driveway.  Derailed in an instant.  Never have I ever had more clarity about what I want out of life than that morning.  I want him.  Next to me.  Always.

Survival rates of roof diving accidents aren't good.  Even then, many survivors become permanently disabled.  Miraculously, neither was the case for my husband.  He came through relatively unscathed.  Now, I'm not a religious woman, but I'm positive something much bigger and more powerful than luck was at work.  Call it whatever you want.  I call it my deceased father-in-law and mother pulling strings from the other side.

The first 6 months post accident,  my husband and I did what we've always done.  We made roof jokes and laughed about it.  And we still do.  But, lately, I've come to realize the gravity of the situation.  He could've very well died.  Not a divorce, the death of a relationship.  But,  the six feet under, very finite, final, forever kind of death.

BOOK SPOILER:  At the beginning of the book, I'm emotionally stunted. And throughout it, I learn to trust myself and feel my feelings for the first time in my life.  Instead of avoiding them as I'd always done. And now here they are biting me firmly on the ass.  Whenever  I see a ladder, I fret.  When he takes his bike to work,  I worry.   And let's not even talk about him getting on the roof, which YES, he has done on a supervised basis since his accident.  I cannot control him people.  Oh, trust me, I HAVE TRIED!

The thing about feelings is, you can't just take the good ones and leave the rest like you can with Halloween candy.  You have to choke down all of them.  Even if you find Almond Joys to be completely repulsive and joyless.  Even if you have post traumatic stress disorder after they're shoved down your throat.  It's still better than the alternative, not having any, because that's not truly living.  The price of life's ups are life's downs.  And it's so worth it.


Sine said...

I love that last sentence. I was just thinking today that this is truly the essence of life, and it takes so long to figure that out. Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, but it can be SO painful. You just have to learn to embrace that pain as part of the beauty in life.

Sine said...

Oh, and I love the parallel to the Halloween candy. Well done!

BLissed-Out Grandma said...

Well said. Those moments of clarity are helpful, I guess, but they sure are frightening! And I didn't mind the spoiler, even though I haven't quite finished your book, since I'd gotten the hint from your blog.

The Loerzels said...

@Sine-Thank you!
@BOG-I'm honored you are reading my book! And yes, I guess there spoilers are all over the blog....


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