I've always tried really hard to be the perfect mother. I know that just like unicorns and Barbie's disproportionate body shape, they don't exist. But, that doesn't stop my irrational quest for the title. Truth is, most days I feel like the worst mom ever. Or at least, that I'd rank on the Billboard top 100 worst mom's ever. Because claiming I'm the absolute worst would be a little cocky, right? Although, I do have the certificate to prove it.
I started this vicious cycle even before I was a mom. I had these delusions of perfection and when I fell short, I often resorted to self-hatred. Which I was really, really awesome at, by the way. Since life is chock full of falling short, disappointment and mistakes. This happened with some regularity. Which means I spent most of my time in the pit of self-hatred hell. It was toasty warm there though, so I set up a nice little tent and where I could stay for days, weeks, months, years. You know, as long as it took.
Even though I wanted to change, I rationalized, I was only hurting myself. And she's a total loser bitch, so she really deserved what she had coming to her. But, I was containing all these emotions inside myself, like a terrarium. Where it rains a lot, but hey, it's still pretty warm and comfortable. Only now, I'm a mom. And even if kids can't see self-hatred, they can smell it. Which is puzzling to me because they can't even smell dirty socks.
I saw all play out this week, when one of my kids made a mistake. Of the big, hurtful variety. And then made it even worse by covering it up. Because admitting it, would also be admitting being imperfect. Being human. Which I didn't allow them to see me be. Damn it! I totally f^%$&^d that up! This is all my fault. I taught them this. What the crap was I thinking?
In life, we all make a million, make that a billion, mistakes. There's no way to escape it. Trust me. I really really investigated this. The important thing is learning to accept that. And learn how to clean them up and make it right. With the person you hurt. And maybe even more important, yourself.
So, I've decided from here on out to be the imperfect mess I already am. I just know I'll be perfect at it.