Friday, November 30, 2012


Tomorrow I'll turn 43. I always get reflective near my birthday. Taking a mental inventory of the past year, how I've grown and things I've accomplished. Or not accomplished. Yet. Recycling them for the upcoming year's to do list. Last year, in my post Forty-Two I wrote about my struggle with self acceptance. This post is about what I'm doing to battle it.

Let's start with the basics. I eat cleaner. Not comet cleanser or anything. I mean I eat really healthy. Once you're in your 40's and your metabolism slows down, you can't eat like a 20 something anymore and get away with it. When I eat well, I feel well. When I eat crap, I feel crappy. Don't get me wrong, I'm not obsessive. If I want to eat a cheeseburger and fries, I totally will. But now I don't delude myself rationalizing that I just played roller derby for 2 hours and now I can eat an entire bag of doritos and a king size kit kat bar. I own the consequences of my food choices now.

I challenge myself physically more than ever too. I mix it up doing things I like. And I don't like to run. So, I usually don't do that. But, every once in a while, I will. My fitness staples are Jillian Michaels dvds, belly dancing, pole dancing and sprinting in my roller skates at the park. I find when I eat right and exercise, I am much more focused, more energetic and feel better about myself. Even if I need an advil for the tennis elbow I get from the pole or if I need more recovery time from a work out. Being active gets me in the right frame of mind to tackle other things.

Like writing. Where over the past year I've written about some of my insecurities. I posted this picture of me without make-up or my hair brushed first thing in the morning. Which doesn't make me nearly as uncomfortable as the videos I've posted of myself belly dancing and pole dancing. I flippin' hate those and would love to delete them and all the embarrassing imperfections in them. But of course even if I delete them, the imperfections still remain. Instead, I'm just trying to accept them. Even if I can't look at them. And, I'm working up to performing in front of a real live audience this year. I've passed on 3 recital opportunities since I've been back in the states because I have severe stage fright. But, this year, I'm going to force myself to do it.

After all, I can physically balance a sword on my head.

And, I can finally do the upside-down Jesus.

Now, I just need to conquer the mental part. Which, of course, is the hardest part.

I've taken solace in writing and I've started writing Rock The Kasbah the book. Even though saying it out loud makes me feel ridiculous and self righteous. Which is kinda how I'm feeling about this post at the moment. So, I hope I don't sound all "check-me- -out, I-got-this-all-figured-out" but more "dude,-if-I-in-all-my-screw-ups-and-imperfectness-can-do-this, so-can-you." But, if you think I'm a narcissistic jerk and you don't want to read what I write or follow me. Then don't. My self worth isn't based on what you think of me. Anymore.


Hazelangel6 said...

Listen, I don't know you personally but I feel like I can read what you write and understand where you are coming from. I am sure that your book will be as amazing, funny and witty as your blog posts. No pressure :) I think you are a strong ass woman that has the power to do anything you set your mind to. Congrats on the accomplishments and Happy Birthday!! said...

May your 43rd birthday help push you along on your journey. May your family present you with their continued love and support, may your friends put those over the top, so you feel that wonder (and wonderful) on your day.

Chantel said...

I respect and slightly envy your journey and fierce determination to accept yourself...dig you.

Happy birthday Chiquita! You do, in fact, rock.

The Loerzels said...

Thank you all!

Leah Griffith said...

Happy Birthday! You look amazing Marie and that upside-down Jesus is mind boggling/bending and beautiful!
43 sounds so young to me. I never thought 43 would seem young but I'll be 56 next week. That's a 13 yr difference. Fuck I feel old. Anyway, I'm sure if you continue to eat well, dance, and write, your days will remain youthful.
You're an inspiration my dear. Keep on truckin!!

onesontwocats said...

Happy Birthday! I'm so glad your making your blog into a book. It will be great!

Sine said...

Whew! For a minute there I thought you were going to write about the last president. Glad I got to read about you instead! Happy birthday!!!

Thom Brown said...

43?! I would have never thought you were that old.
You're living right!

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