Friday, August 24, 2012


This is me first thing in the morning. This is as real as it gets. No make-up. No brush through the hair. Or teeth. (Thank god you can't smell this post.) Just dark circles. Greasy hair. Moles. I can't tell you how many years I spent obsessively loathing them. And my least favorite, my huge forehead, complete with wrinkles. Unless my thin stringy hair is my least favorite. Ok, let's just call it a tie on that one.

When I started this blog two and a half years ago, there is no way I would have posted a picture of myself on the internet like this. Hell, I wouldn't have even let anyone take a photo of me without make-up. Not that I've ever worn a lot of it. Except for those few times in college. But, as I've told you before, I'm a complete perfectionist. And this picture? It's way too truthful.

This is the real me.

You can see my inadequacy. If you look hard enough maybe you can even see my life long struggle with depression. Which I figure is an old bedfellow of my perfectionism. And, I suspect that my perfectionism and my depression may have had a ménage à trois with shame on more than one occasion. In fact, I'm sure of it.

I know this is gonna sound all Eat, Pray, Love-barf-in-your-mouth-ish, but I have been transformed. Oh, I'm still not confident. I probably never will be. I've accepted that now. Although, through writing, I've shed some of the inhibitions that were my toxic paramours. Not that they don't still linger and stalk me. They do. But they can't conceal me anymore. Because I've stripped away some of the layers to reveal the real me.

The one I'm just getting to know myself.


SherilinR said...

good for you! sometimes we need to get transparent so we can get to a place of acceptance and take new steps in our lives. way to do that and be willing to show your true face.

Chantel said...

While I always adore your wit, your eloquence in this was lovely. Your vulnerability is amazing.

And....I think you're beautiful. xo

Leah Griffith said...

You're amazing and beautiful. Put that in your pipe and smoke it! LOL!

The Loerzels said...

@ Sherilin- I just got called transparent earlier this week. Guess it's working...
@ Chantel-Thank you! This is especially sweet coming from someone who I would describe in the exact same way.
@ Leah- Thank you Leah! Talking to you this week was partly the inspiration for this post.

Joy Page Manuel said...

'menage a trois with shame'....brilliant! Love this post and I feel fortunate to be a witness to this shedding, this transformation, no matter how little I see. You are a beautiful human being Marie, from what I see, and your family is most fortunate to have you in their lives. I wish I had your courage. I'm working at it....working and working.......

The Empress said...

Oh, hi.

Yes, I hear you.

Followed you over from your comment at Sandra's.

Blogging has changed my life: it's given me opportunities, confidence, esteem, connection, support, love, and a map back to myself.

I love blogging, and I am grateful to the point that words will never be adequate to describe the life I have now, as being one I can't even believe is mine.

I wish this for everyone. For the past four years, since I logged on, I have been saying, "You don't need to go to therapy three times a week, just post three times a week."

Also, if I were an M.D., every single prescription would read, "Start a blog."

I wish this for everyone.

People don't know how it takes the nebulousness that is you and delineates it as sharp as a black outlined cartoon.

And, now, I'm finished.

Sorry for the novel, but blogging? Blogging saved my life.

Lovely to meet a like minded human being. A true pleasure.

Janine said...

Wow - reading that post was like reading about myself...strangely similar indeed, in many ways (including the large forehead).

Cathy Tittle said...

When I look at that photo I see a lovely, intelligent human being. (High foreheads are a sign of intelligence.) Be proud of yourself. You gain weight in the universe every day you live. Wisdom. Beauty. You have them both Marie. Priceless.

MuMuGB said...

May I just say that you don't look that bad first thing in the morning. Quite the opposite, in fact. Very brave of you. I am in denial. I prefer to avoid mirrors in the morning.

Hajra said...

You are beautiful, inside and outside. The mirrors will show what you see! Keep saying that yo yourself. :)

It is lovely knowing you through your blog, and your writing is powerful. Believe in yourself because you have come a long way!

MommaSachs said...

You look great! Nothing like a little bit of bed head in the morning. I've noticed in the last year the circles under my eyes get darker and darker every morning!

Anonymous said...

Thanks for posting this. When I got to the second to the last paragraph I was touched by how raw and honest you were, and your bravery for expressing yourself in a vulnerable light made me realize that I'm not the only woman in this world who struggles to love myself in spite of the drapery of depression, etc. that sometimes makes it hard to shine brighter.

The Loerzels said...

@ Joy-It's probably more like a gang bang with shame.
@ The Empress-Do you have a tiara or a sash or both? Just curious.
@ Cathy-Is that weight gain muscle or fat?
@ Muriel-I did wipe the drool off pre photo...just so you know.
@Harja-Funny, tonight I rented Mirror, Mirror. Coincidence?
@ Momma-What's great is when you get in your 40's you can't see the dark circles without your glasses. So now, at 42 it's kinda like mine are disappearing.
@ Anon -(Can I call you that?) Maybe we can start a anonymous support group together. Damn it, I'm not anonymous!


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...