Sunday, August 21, 2011

Wedding Favors

How does one person really know that they love someone else? Like really, really know? Well, they decide to get married in central Florida in the middle of July outside on a golf hole when it's over 100 degrees. This my friends is love and as you know, love is blind or in this case, love is hot or flame retardant or something like that. I ask you, is there any better reason to go to Florida in July? And maybe more importantly is this couple truly flame retardant? Wait. Are we?

We arrived in Florida the week of the wedding. It was in the midst of the last minute hustle and bustle of family arriving, down to the second preparations, phone calls and socializing that every bride and groom must endure. This is the inevitable wedding stress that begins a marriage. Sitting back and watching them and their nervous excitement that their day would all go perfect, I was relieved it wasn't my wedding. Or was I?

Craig and I were married almost 20 years ago in 1992. The year is important. If you're younger than 30 you may not realize that in '92 the trends of the 80's still weren't quite over yet. You see, big New Jersey mall hair was still cool. Dresses still had poof sleeves and bows placed right on your ass for emphasis or parenthesis or whatever. People still gave disgusting chalky pastel mints that no one actually liked or ate as wedding favors. DJ's were still playing the hokey pokey and even worse, the chicken dance even when you told the dj that under no circumstances was he to play it. Wedding cakes all had little plastic people with creepy painted on hair on top of the very, very boring vanilla cake. It was a hideous, hideous time in history. Especially wedding history. Yes, 1992 was the year BEFORE the return to classically beautiful weddings people actually wanted to have photos of and not photos taken by a legally blind man in his 70's. In hindsight, he was probably doing us a big favor with the blurry pictures. And this is why you will never see a photo of my wedding. Ever. And no I'm not bitter, just bittersweet. Ok, maybe not.

Cut to July 30th, 2011. It's Paul and Ashley's day and it's finally here. Paul is Craig's youngest brother. I first met him when he was 11 and he's been like a brother to Craig and I. Well, you know what I mean. Paul and Ashley had been friends for years before they ever started dating. And Paul? He's a clever guy, so he knows when you have a beautiful woman with an even more beautiful soul who is dare I say...out of your league you should seize the opportunity to marry up. But you're not here to hear a sappy love story. No, let's get to what you really want, the pictures.

Let's start with the uber cute favors shall we? With all that cuteness, but yet so temptingly chocolaty one must contemplate the age old question. To eat or not to eat?

The venue is elegantly perfect. Wedding 101: Bows on the backs of chairs make them look classy while bows on the back of women make them look like 18 wheelers.

The pulchritudinously manicured cake. (Yes, pulchritudinous is a synonym of beautiful, conversely the antonym of beautiful is plastic people on top of a cake.)

Ashley's dress is absolutely gorgeous. Strapless is definitely the way to obliterate poofy sleeves.

Ashley looking ethereal with an elegant updo and a single flower. (I'm pretty sure the flower symbolizes her deflowering to occur later on in the evening...)

Even the bridesmaids are pretty in pink dresses. A testament that Ashley loves these women? Look, there's no bows on their asses!

Then the photographer. You would never know he wasn't feeling well when he took these shots because they're totally sick. I particularly like this shot with the sidewalk signifying that they are at the beginning of their journey together. Oooohhh, watch out for the gum!

You can't tell how hot it is in the photos, so the photographer used the sprinklers in the background to represent how drenched in sweat they are. I like the way this guy thinks.

Gratuitous, we're in love and we're looking longingly at each other like we're gonna kiss photo. Gross. Get a room already!

Ok, this is all so flippin' perfect I want to puke. After they're married 20 years are they going to look back at how dated their wedding was? NO. No, they're not! They're gonna be like look, look how flippin' perfect it all was dear. Let me be the voice of reality here. No one can have the picture perfect wedding. No one.

So I'm going to do you a wedding favor right now.

I'm going to give you the one photo that the photographer couldn't.

And thank you again Ashley for allowing Paul to marry up...

If you would like to reciprocate the wedding favor you can photoshop Craig and my heads on your favorite wedding photo.

Photos courtesy of Teran Wedding Photography.


Roy A. said...

Thanks for your pulchritudinous post!
Except for the final photo. (Which reminds me where I was during yesterday's earthquake on the top floor of the highest building in the DC area..)

The Loerzels said...

Yikes! What a compromising position!

Christina Lucas said...

Lol! What is up with that last pic? Ha ha! Well I love a good wedding. Those favors are adorable, and everything looked beautiful. That cake looked amazing! I love the cake topper.


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