Saturday, July 9, 2011
There are certain phrases that preclude an aftermath so great, you wish they weren't spoken. In my house these words are "hypothetically speaking". I know this sounds innocent, but trust me, it's not. I can't recall when the kids first learned this phrase because I can't imagine my life before it. I wait for it all day long because I know it's coming. And I prepare myself. Breathe. Remember to breathe.
Why would someone try to escape such dreamy imagining you ask? In a house where I have 4 kids who fight about real things all day long, they have also created this alternate reality where they can fight about things that aren't real too. I mean are you kidding me?
Here's just a handful of the hypothetical crap that my kids fight over.
Hypothetical Scenario 1
Kid 1: Hypothetically speaking, would you rather be a yellow lizard that was able to fly OR a purple lizard that could read people's minds?
Kid 2: (Shouting) YELLOW!
Kid 3: (Shouting louder) Wrong! Purple!
Kid 4: (Shouting even louder to be heard) I'd be an orange tyrannosaurus rex!
Kid 1: (Screaming) That's not even a choice!
Kid 4: (Screaming in kid number 1's face) I can be whatever I want!
Kid 1,2 and 3: No you can't you HAVE to CHOOSE! Yellow lizard or purple lizard?
Kid 4: Mooooooooom he's sticking his tongue out at me!
Kid 2: (Hitting kid 4) DUMMY!
And that's merely the beginning of the frustration with hypothetical things.
Hypothetical Scenario 2
Kid 1: Mom, hypothetically speaking, if you won a lottery on the top of a yogurt lid what would you do with it? (Seriously, this happened the other day.)
Me: You know I hate hypothetical questions.
Kid 1: Come on.
Me: I wouldn't notice I'd won and throw out the lid.
Kid 1: Mooooooommmm. But if you did see it what would you do with the money?
Me: (Long pause to consider the sincerity of the question.) Ok, (determining it's innocent enough) I'd give most of it away and I'd probably use the rest to travel with.
Kid 1: You know what I'd do with it? First I'd get an i-pod touch with tons of apps, then I'd get a mac. Yeah mom when can I get a phone. EVERYONE in 6th grade has a phone except for me. I never get anything!
Damn it I was duped. And no, it doesn't end there. This one actually happened just yesterday....
Hypothetical Scenario 3
Me: Get your shoes on and get in the car we're going to the medina. (The kids hate the medina.)
Kid 1: We're going to the medina?
Kid 2: Whhhhhhhhhheeerrrrrreeeee are we going? (Please denote whiny tone. And why does no one listen in my house?)
Kid 3: I'm NOT going.
Kid 4: Can we bring our money?
Kid 4: (Light bulb moment) Oh, I'm going to buy an ipod touch!
Me: How much money do you have?
Kid 4: 100 Dirham (The equivalent of about 8 Dollars.)
Me: Um, you're not going to have enough money for that.
Kid 4: I'm gonna get a broken one.
Me: Why would you want a broken one?
Kid 4: Because I'll have enough money for a broken one.
Kid 3: (Excitedly) I have 20 Dirhams. We could share it.
Kid 2: I have 20 Dirham too! I want to share too!
Kid 4: No way, you'll break it. You break everything!
Me: (Thinking and trying so hard not to say isn't it broken already dumbass?)
Kid 3: So I get the ipod everyday after school and on Saturdays.
Me: You don't even have an itouch. Can you wait to fight about it if and when you actually have one?
Kid 4: So hypothetically, you get the ipod on Tuesday and Thursday mornings. And since I spent more money on i,t anytime I ask you for it, you have to give it to me.
Apparently, they can't wait. Of course it didn't end there. And of course they did NOT buy a broken ipod touch at the medina for the equivalent of 11 dollars because no one would sell them a broken one for that ridiculously low price even BROKEN. It doesn't even work. Not even hypothetically.
So I try to use the powers of hypothetically for good and turn the tables....
Hypothetical Scenario 4
Kid 1: (In the car on the way to the beach) Ok, I'm Darth Vader who are you gonna be?
Kid 2: You can't be Darth Vader. I'm gonna be Darth Vader.
Kid 1: No! You're yoda.
Kid 2: I'm not yoda! I'm vader!
Me: Hypothetically speaking, can't you both be Vader in some alternate Star Wars universe?
Kid 1 and Kid 2: (Look of disgust) No, that's stupid!
Kid 1: Wait, I'll be yoda.
Kid 2: No, I waaaannnnnnaaa be yoda!
Me: If you don't stop we're gonna turn around and go home. (Oh crap, my kids didn't even want to come to the beach and I'm making them. Then they're gonna get exactly what they wanted in the first place...)
So if you can't beat them (hypothetically of course), join them...
Ok, so hypothetically speaking, I'd like to be an orange tyrannosaurus rex because whiny children wouldn't fight or whine with an orange t-rex. Then I'd peel off the top of my yogurt (because hypothetical t-rexes eat a lot of hypothetical yogurt) and I'd discover I'd won the lottery! I'd use the money to move to Fiji where I'd be on the beach with a sangria margarita and chips with an amazing mango salsa. I wouldn't get that weird rash I normally get from mango (which I have right now and is totally freakin' itchy and driving me crazy) because this is all hypothetical. Then, I'd have the powers of yoda and I'd use the force to disable the kids voice boxes anytime they whined or argued. Wait, if this is all hypothetical they wouldn't even be on the beach. No, they'd be at our beach house in Fiji doing their homework, cleaning the house and making dinner. I could get used to this. Hypothetically speaking of course...