Monday, November 7, 2016

The Denigration of Upgrading

I didn't even want it.  We went to look at phones for my daughter, who did.  I just tagged along with her and my husband because we were following up shopping with lunch and a hike.  That and my husband wanted to ask why we had a Jump plan to upgrade phones on my account when I'm a technophobe who doesn't like change.  So, while I would normally sit in the car on my phone at the T-Mobile store, deleting posts I have over thought from my social media accounts, I was forced to actually go in.  Ugggggggghhhhhhhhh!

Turns out, we got a special plan on my phone only because I'm a well documented klutz and it provides the most insurance.  Oh, right...this totally makes sense.  I've already gotten two replacement phones this way.  And they had protective cases on them when I broke them.  I've also dropped my phone in the dogs' water bowl many, many times which is conveniently located just underneath where I charge my phone.  The last time my phone went for a swim, I couldn't make or receive phone calls.  For an introvert's introvert like me, it ranked up there among the best things that ever happened to me.  Until, it started working again 24 hours later. Dammmmmmmiiiiiiiiittttttttt!

My daughter picked out the color phone she wanted and was ridiculously excited, the way Millennials are about technology.  But, I'm a Generation Xer.  Technology when I was her age was a bottle of liquid paper you used to correct the errors on your typewritten book report you researched with a decade old encyclopedia, so you didn't have to retype the whole thing for one stupid typo.  Okay, several typos and a plethora of spacing issues.  The thing is, I actually knew how to spell back in the 80's before spell check.  It was a simpler time.  With only four channels full of worthless trash to watch on television.  With the exception of M*A*S*H, of course.

Then, all talk turns to me, as my husband and daughter try to convince me to upgrade my phone.  It has great sound quality my daughter says. This is not selling me. I don't even like when my phone rings, and I don't listen to music on it.  I admit, I don't even know how to download a song.  It has great photo resolution and more storage my husband says.  Since basically, all I do on my phone is take pictures and the only app I have is Instagram.  Plus, we're going on an exotic vacation overseas next month.  Which totally sells me.  Although, begrudgingly.

Because now, I'm going to have to remember passwords for stuff.  Like my e-mail.  I should probably keep a list of log-ins and passwords somewhere.  But, I don't.  Sometimes I write things down on a small random piece of paper that I lose.  Some people do crossword puzzles, play Sudoku or memory games on-line to stave off dementia, I just try to remember my passwords.  And I might already have Alzheimer's, because I never seem to remember them.  Then, I have to come up with a new password that's 10 characters long with two capitals, two symbols, two numbers and four random but meaningful letters in a sequence I'll remember.  Then, it'll be rejected for not being secure enough.  Which is kinda the story of my life.

When my new phone arrives in the mail and I finally get it all set up with the help of my teenagers who are fluent in technology, I get a tag on Instagram from someone who follows me to take and post a selfie.  Oh crap.  Because now I have a really great camera with a forty-something-nearing-fifty-something face.  Plus, now on Instagram you can zoom in on pictures.  So you can see pores, sun damage, zits, scowl lines, dark circles, gray hairs, rogue chin hairs, chapped lips and make-up mishaps with even more clarity.  So, essentially, I got a better phone so I could look even worse in photos.

This phone upgrade is denigrating my ego.  

Not only does my new phone make me look terrible. It also makes me sound like an idiot, putting words in my mouth by autocorrecting my texts.  No, no autocorrect, let me correct you, I typed exactly what I meant.  And I totally meant to misspell that word, you douchewad!  And don't suggest dumbass emojiis for me to include in my text, because I can't tell a smiley face from a frowning face without finding and putting my reading glasses on.  

PRETENTIOUS VIEWING RECOMMENDATION:  Black Mirror (Technology meets The Twilight Zone) on Netflix.

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