Wednesday, July 13, 2016

Bear With Me

PC: revelstokebearaware.org
Bear with me as I tell you the story of my family's latest camping trip.  After days of procuring enough sunscreen, bug spray, food and wine, and then almost forgetting to pack the kids something to drink, it was time to load up the car with bikes, sleeping bags, tents and hammocks.  And it was also my time of the month.  Which of course it is.  Because I always have my period when I go camping.  That should be the Always maxi pad slogan.  Which begs the question...

...is camping during your period more likely to attract bears 
or mountain lions? 

Wait, I hope we packed the bear spray.  Also, does bear spray work on blood thirsty mountain lions? And really, what are the chances that I'm going to be anywhere near any kind of weapon to defend myself in case of an attack?  Unless my defense is playing dead, which I'm guessing is probably near impossible to do when you're getting mauled by a wild animal.  Plus, is any menstruating woman going to go gently into that good night without putting up a fight? 

 Don't answer that; it was a rhetorical question.  

So, we're camping in gorgeous Ouray I get up extra early on the first morning to cook this amazing breakfast in the dutch oven I just bought over an open fire because this is how I get when I'm on my period, completely irrational.  It cooked it for over an hour.  And I made the kids wait for my Betty Crocker inspired egg, hash brown, sausage, cheese concoction that had enough calories to last an entire boy scout troop a week in the wilderness without food.  Except I burned it.  Except it was more scorched beyond salvaging actually. But yet, still sludgy and uncooked in the center.  I was so pissed off.  Although, I still tried to get my family to eat it. Did I mention I was on my period?  Then I tasted it and threw the entire thing in the trash. Including my new dutch oven.   

My husband didn't question the impulsivity of this decision.  

But there was something that both my husband and I did question.  An incident involving two of my kids who are archenemies.  Involving opportunity and a weapon.  That's how one of my kids got "accidentally" sprayed with bear spray.  But, the thing was, the stupid spray hardly slowed down an 11 year old girl.  Sure, she had some burning and stinging.  But who doesn't?  That's just how life feels.  How the hell is that impotent spray gonna deter a 400 pound bear?   It's not.  You know what's a more effective bear deterrent?  That charred breakfast casserole. So next time you camp, keep in mind that the best way to stay safe just may be cooking inedible casseroles that even the wildlife wouldn't eat.  

4 comments:

Leah Griffith said...

You have to be the bravest woman I know. Seriously. Camping with 4 kids AND your period? They'd be eating PB&J morning noon and night if I took them. LOL! I couldn't bear it;)

Salty Bug said...

Oh my you crack me up! That is fricking hilarious. It sounds like a wonderful adventure was had by all. The kids will remember it forever. I love bears but not sure I'd be brave enough to camp where I could get eaten by one...

Nasreen Iqbal said...

There was a tampon commercial a few years back that had a woman being eaten by a shark. This reminded me of that.

Except that instead of sharks, it was bears. And no one got eaten.

Maybe it wasn't that similar to the commercial, actually, but it was still funny.

Marie Loerzel said...

@Leah-Haha...next time!
@Salty Bug-And guess what? We're going camping again in a couple weeks and I'm positive I'll somehow be on my period. Again.
@Nasreen-Must google that commercial now! And thank you!

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