As a desperately shy person, I feared my voice. That what I would have to say would offend. Or be stupid. Not well thought out. That I'd stutter. Maybe I'd unintentionally spray a little saliva when I opened my mouth. The list goes on and on. I solved this problem by just not talking. Shutting myself off from the world. And living inside my head. Which isn't really living at all.
My metamorphosis began when I started my blog and then catapulted when I was writing and publishing my book. I could use my voice without even talking, in print. I could be home in my tattered writing sweater (RIP: 3/17/14) all alone and not even have to open my mouth. This is awesome! The more I reveal through my writing, the more people seem to connect with me. Plus, they were seeing similarities in their own lives. And they liked it. I was, and still am, astounded by this. And encouraged to dig deeper. To do the things I really want to do like join a band, which I did last year. And to make idiotic videos because the mood strikes me. So what if I was driving a car at the same time.
Ok, maybe Visible Panty Lines didn't break up because I was a crappy singer. Oh, I'm a crappy singer alright, it's just that Jimmy quit and Joey got married. And that's what broke us up. Or the real reason, Mama Beast and Baby Spice moved away. Damn them! Our song Hot and Cold with lyrics changed to be about menopause by our own Yoko could've been our breakthrough hit. I'm getting hot flashes just thinking about it.
On the way home from a work dinner with my husband last Friday night, I was trying to check my phone to see if the kids had called. Nothing. Then I confessed I don't know how to pick up my voicemail. This is when he told me I have a nice speaking voice. And that if he'd never met me and we'd only just spoken over the phone, he'd figure I was cute and nice. And now, a whole 25 long years we've been together, he compliments me on my voice for the first time ever.
But, when I think about it, his timing is perfect. Because I've finally come into my own voice. Alto, sardonic, unique and one that may be relatively pleasant to listen to, but is gritty, raw and doesn't spew bullshit.
Now that I've finally found my voice, I fully intend to keep using it.