Wednesday, June 5, 2013


Years ago, I had a brief stint in acupuncture school balancing qi by sticking people with needles.  My practice pin cushion was me.  I spent hours trying to perfect my technique.  Spinning the needle between my fingertips to get just the right torque for a painless entry into hegu, a point near the thumb crotch in my hand.  Not that I had constipation or any of the other ailments, like lockjaw, it relieves.  It was simply the most convenient place to stab myself with a 34 gauge needle.   With my eyes closed.  Cause it's hard to stab yourself with your eyes wide open.  It's also hard to feel healthy and harmonious when you're torturing yourself.

Though I gave up my short-lived dream of becoming an acupuncturist, I'm committed to living a healthy lifestyle.  Which means, I am up for trying almost any new "it" food at least once.  So since chia seeds are the new flax, it was inevitable that at some point I would give it a shot.  I bought smallest and therefore, most expensive, package of anything at Costco.  Qi'a breakfast cereal containing chia seeds. 

We all need some good qi.
I know what you're thinking, "I've heard of chia seeds, what are they good for?"  I had no idea at the time.  But, I ate it and it was good.
Definitely greater than the sum of its parts
At the grocery store an hour or so later I was looking for a tasty drink to take to the pool with me.  Cherry kombutcha with floating chia seeds congealed for even seed distribution without shaking?  Oh, hell yes!  That's exactly it. So I went to the pool, belly full of Qi'a, with a salad, komutcha and the seasons first fresh picked cherries.  Probably freshly picked in Mexico by someone with hepatitis covered in pesticides, but whatever.  I can only do so much people.

What now?  Would I grow chia pet hair?  As chia seeds really are chia pet seeds.  Also, who the hell buys chia pets anymore?  Because 500,000 are still sold yearly!  Unfortunately, I didn't end up with a chia pet fro.  Cause that would have been kinda fun.  I could have sculpted it into all different shapes like the bushes at Disneyworld.

This is the Britney sex doll chia pet.
Instead, it turns out, chia seeds have an effect on my much like hegu.  My poor family had to endure gaseous smells and maintain a clear path to the toilet.  So, if you are someone who suffers from constipation, I have two natural miracle cures for you.  Stab your thumb crotch with a needle or lick that chia pet you got for Christmas from your aunt last year.

You're welcome.


Leah Griffith said...

Cha cha cha chia! LOL! Girl, you are not right! LOL! Other than constipation, what else are chia seeds good for? I mean don't we already have prunes for that problem? I guess the Chia Pet thing is getting old so they had to resurrect chia seeds for another use. You're hysterical!

The Loerzels said...

@Leah-I seriously have no idea. Nor do I know for certain it was the chia seeds not the mexican cherries but I have stunk for the last 2 days!

MuMuGB said...

Well, Marie, did you eat the whole packet ? And spinach has the same effect, apparently!

Joy Page Manuel said...

Yep, I can imagine cos just a tablespoon of flaxseed mixed into my cereal does it for me, if you know what I mean...and I'm sure you know what I mean. So anyway, what does it taste like exactly? Maybe I can grab it next time I go to Costco. :-)

Janine said...

haha will make a mental note when I finally use the chia seeds that have been sitting in the cupboard for a while...

SherilinR said...

You said thumb crotch! I love when people can find ways to use the word crotch without it involving the genital region. It always makes me giggle! =)


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