The Costco Conspiracy

Little known fact:  It's mandatory for Americans to buy a membership to a wholesale club or they lose their citizenship.  It's part of a covert government run economic stimulus plan.  Sam's Club is operated by the Republicans and Costco by the Democrats.  Ok, obviously this isn't true.  Or so the government would like you to believe.  Because they want to placate the public: distracting us from the fact that big business runs the government.  And they do it with large boxes of frozen burritos.  And we buy it every time.  Those massively delicious burritos.  Every damn time.  Because every American knows the best American food is actually Mexican.

I go to Costco right when the store opens, specifically to avoid the food samples.  For one very specific reason.  When the supply of free food increases, the intellect of humans decreases.  (It's basic economics.)  Costco shoppers will block an entire aisle that's the width of a California freeway with their cart that's the size of a cruise liner just to get a free sample of some tuna on a cracker.  Gosh, what does tuna taste like on a cracker?  IT TASTES EXACTLY LIKE TUNA ON A CRACKER, YOU MORON!

I try to make good, healthy choices when I'm shopping for food.  So, I make sure I eat before I shop, so I'm not tempted to buy some stupid junk.  But, somehow, even with a full stomach and the best intentions, I always do.  Like I'll buy the cereal my kids love.  Except, as of last week or 5 minutes ago or whatever, they don't love anymore.  In fact, they hate it.  It's the worst cereal they've ever tasted, which is why the ginormous box of it sits obtrusively in my pantry untouched.  Except to get around it to get to the tortilla chips.  Not only do I buy things no one likes, I'll also buy things that intrigue me on a whim.  Like drinking vinegar.   Because how intriguing is drinking vinegar?  It could be good.  Or it could be horrendous.  But which is it?  Then I rationalize that if it isn't palatable, vinegar is good for cleaning, right?  Maybe I just bought myself a big box of some environmentally friendly cleaning solution.  Which when I think about it is completely irrational, because I don't even clean my house.

Yes, I really did buy this.
And, yes, I'm still trying to convince myself I like it.

Among the things that I don't understand about Costco, is how they can have a whole aisle of nuts.  I mean, as Americans aren't we all insanely allergic to nuts?  Is this some domestic plot to kill us?  Or maybe the Russians have interfered with our food supply.  Putin just may be crazy enough to try to murder us with pistachios.  But, you didn't hear that conspiracy theory from me if anyone named Boris asks about it.  Also, why I do I continue to push my cart down the nut aisle and ponder this same thing on repeat every week when I'm shopping at Costco?  Do I have OCD?  Or another mental disorder?   WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

Oh, I'm clearly nuts...
 but not crazy enough to buy pistachios no one will eat but me.

I've followed my preordained flight pattern through the store (all while judging how inefficiently and incorrectly other shoppers navigate the store) and now I'm in the check out line.  Hoping against hope that I'll get out for under $250, but knowing that's not likely.  Because that's not even possible.  Just like it's not possible to get through the whole store and NOT buy a hot dog at the cafe at the end.  (Which is what makes it an excellent super secret government economic stimulus plan.  And the hot dog is an Illuminati symbol.  I'm sure of it.)

DAMN YOU, COSTCO!

(Also, did you notice everything on the menu at Costco contains gluten?

Do you honestly think that's a coincidence?
I THINK NOT!)