Natural Instincts

All your natural instincts are wrong.  Ok, "all" is a bit of an exaggeration.  Let's say 90%.  And by "your" I mean "my".  Because your heart and the hope that lies there is an idiot.  Listen to your head.  And your head will tell you...natural products never work.  (Which is why chemicals were invented in the first place.)  I know because I've tried all of the them.  Ok "all" is a bit of an exaggeration.  Let's just say 90%.

Remember the herbal supplements I bought for my hair loss a couple months ago?  It's no surprise that they didn't work.  Well, it's not that they didn't work.  They might work if you actually take them.  Fact: 100% of the dietary supplements you don't take don't work.  Oh, I took some of them, but they  made me nauseous.  But, not nauseous enough that I didn't want to eat though.  Which is unfortunate.   Because then I could've had fabulous hair and maintain my weight with one magic pill.   But, since that wasn't the case,  I just threw them out.  Throwing my money away with it.  Again.

Lesson learned right? 

 Well, no.  

Of course not. 

Lately I've been thinking about my teeth.  Basically, everything I drink stains my teeth.  It starts out first thing in the morning with two very large cups of coffee.  Talking about going natural, did I mention I finally gave up coffee creamer several months ago and now drink it black?  Let me assure you, that was a hard won battle.  Anyway, after coffee, I switch to iced tea.  And then red wine.  Which is why I need to whiten my teeth. Because not having perfectly white teeth is unAmerican and can lead to deportation.  Making this a matter of urgency.

Now, I've done this all before.  Going to Walmart to buy white strips for my teeth that "may cause sensitivity".   "May", my ass!  My teeth are so sensitive to begin with that they cry at Lifetime movies.  And I don't even get the Lifetime channel.  What taping a strip of bleach to my teeth does is cause an unbearable searing pain that makes me remove the strip immediately.  Thereby doing nothing to whiten my teeth.  Throwing my money away with it.  Again. Which is why I've tried almost every hokey natural way (and some unnatural) I've heard of in an attempt to whiten them.

Swishing with hydrogen peroxide?  Tried it.  See searing pain above.  I've tried oil pulling, where you put a tablespoon of coconut oil in your mouth and swish it around for 10 minutes.  Was my breath any fresher or my teeth any whiter?  I don't think so.  But, I worried I was going to have the cheeks of Louis Armstrong, so I didn't keep that up very long.  Then I tried brushing with turmeric mixed with coconut oil and baking soda.  I know brushing your teeth with a yellow spice to whiten your teeth sounds counter intuitive.  But, let me assure you, it also tastes completely disgusting!  Plus, I only did it once and everything (besides my teeth) was stained yellow.  My lips, toothbrush, the sink and my shirt.

Then like a jilted lover given a second chance, I went back to white strips.  Oh...I knew perfectly well how it was going to end.  I've done this before.  But, my instincts told me to do it anyway.  Why do I listen to my stupid heart?  Which is why I have have of a box of white strips underneath my sink and my teeth still aren't the color of copy machine paper.  Because they're too harsh, bordering on abusive.

That's when I saw an ad on my IG feed.  How creepy are the ads that are targeted specifically to you on social media?  Marketers have so much information on you.  They know you better than you know yourself.  Because I told myself I wasn't going to buy anything that a marketer was manipulating me into thinking that I needed.  But, of course I did.  That's why I ordered this from Amazon.

Yes, brushing your teeth with black charcoal powder is supposed to whiten them.  Yup, it's also supposed to turn everything else, except your teeth, black.  I kinda feel like I'm back at the beginning again buying hope in a jar.  Wasting my money.  But, I don't even care because I'm just following my heart and it's stupid natural instincts.

Exposed

It's summer.  It's exceptionally hot already and it's barely even started yet.  You'll do anything to get cool.  Including taking off layers of clothes and exposing yourself in public. Well, your skin anyway.  Your pale, pasty skin from spending a long winter inside.  With stretch marks, cellulite, that tattoo you've come to regret and the razor burn you got from shaving in preparation to wear a swimsuit to go cool down at the pool.

There's nothing quite as horrifying as wearing a swimsuit in public, especially for the first time of the season.  Because being in a swimsuit feels a lot like just wearing underwear.  Which is essentially what swimwear is; water permeable underwear.  So, if you're anything like me (which I bet you are) when you arrive at the pool, you peek down under your clothes to check (several times) to make sure that you do in fact have your swim suit on underneath.  Even though you know you do.  Before you strip down into your swimsuit.  Which feels like you're getting naked with a big spotlight on you.  You're sure everyone's staring at you.  Unless they're just staring at your tampon string that's sticking out of your bikini bottoms.

You think once you're in your swimsuit the worst part is over, but it's not.  You haven't even tested the waters yet.  And you got a new swimsuit this year.  Does it fill with water and bunch up in weird places requiring you to tug at your suit and burp it like a Tupperware container?  Or does it get kinda see through when it gets wet?  And everyone knows what cold water does to your nipples.  Surprise, you're in a wet T-shirt contest now.  But, what's even worse than that is wearing a bandeau bikini top (you know the one without the straps) and having the clasp break leaving you standing there topless at the pool.  Which is exactly what happened to me about five years ago.  (For that story click here.)

Then when you're cooled off and go to exit the water, remember that water is heavy.  And that you're risking your bottoms dipping down to expose your butt crack or falling off completely if your thrusting yourself up from the side of the pool.  Using the ladder or stairs is the best option.  When' you're safely out the pool with your bathing suit intact, that's when the deluge occurs, running down your legs.  Oh my god, did I just piss myself?  Cause that's what it feels like.  Funny thing about feeling like you're pissing yourself... that's when you're like oh my god, I need to piss!  So you urgently need to find a toilet and then try to get your wet suit off.  Try is the key word here, because you can't get a wet suit off quickly, it's impossible.  So you just slide the material over to the side instead of pulling your suit down off while trying not to pee on your swimsuit or your hands.  This is also impossible.  But, what the hell...your suit is wet anyway, no one's going to know you peed yourself.  Because everyone's going to be looking at the tampon string you forgot to tuck back in.

How to be Unpopular

Be yourself.  In all your authentic awkwardness.  Don't try to fit in with the crowd.  Follow your passion without fear of judgment.  Ok, you can have some fear of judgment, but don't let that stop you from doing it anyway.  Be friendly, but keep your circle of friends small and intimate.  Think before you speak. Or write.  Make what you share meaningful.  And your actions and comments genuine.  Be humble.  Do things that feed your soul.  Remember numbers and statistics are bullshit.  Take time to disconnect and be alone with your thoughts.  You'll be unpopular, but you'll be happier.


Pretentious reading recommendations:

Everybody Lies: Big Data, New Data and What the Internet Can Tell Us About Who We Really are by Seth Stephens-Davidowitz
A Field Guide to Lies: Critical Thinking in the Information Age by Daniel Levity
Willful Blindness: Why We Ignore the Obvious at our Peril by Margaret Heffernan