Culture Shock

You know how sometimes you don't know the answer until someone asks you the question.  Last summer I had a dear friend move back to the States after living abroad for seven years.  She asked me whether it was part of the normal reverse culture shock of moving back to feel overwhelmed by texts, e-mails and trying to keep in touch with people.  No, I responded.  That's not from moving back.  That's the new normal for American culture.  Everyone feels that way.  

Not only that, everyone also feels disenfranchised, no matter what your beliefs.  And in the great American tradition, if you feel like no one's listening to you, just say it louder and more frequently.  It doesn't matter what you're saying and whether it's true or not.  The people with those same beliefs will gravitate to you and you'll make like-minded people like you and more importantly, your shared beliefs, even more.  That's how extremism works.   Which only makes the divide in our nation even worse.  If that's even possible.  

Because of technology, everything is changing so fast.  We have to stay connected to keep up. Because of fear, we're rushing to judgment and seeking quick fixes instead of seeking long term solutions.  The result being,  we're all in a constant state of stress and I don't think most of us even realize that we are.  "But how are people coping?", my friend asked.  "By being assholes", I replied.  

Not that everyone is a but-what's-in-it-for-me-selfish-asshole, I actually firmly believe they're in the minority.  But the thing is they're a really, loud obnoxious minority, so they seem like they're the majority.  Now, the better part of the rest of the world has thought Americans are assholes for years.  Because let's face it, we've done a lot of selfish, asshole-ish things around the world.  It's just that now it's starting to effect our bottom line.  

While 2017 was a record year for international travel, travel to the US was down by 4%.  Which doesn't seem like much, until you convert it dollars which ttranslates to 32 billion dollars lost, not to mention the subsequent loss of American jobs in the tourist industry.  Foreigners are scared to travel here.  With the travel bans and derogatory comments about their countries made by our president, I can't blame them.  You're scared to travel here?  Try living here.   Last week I had to contemplate what to do when a student at my kids' school threatened to blow it up.  This is the new normal now.   And there's no end in sight.  

What's the solution?  I wish I knew.  But, it starts with realizing that what we do (or don't do) has an effect on everything and everyone else on the planet.  And the effect of those will come right back to us like karma.  We live in a global economy, therefore, isolating ourselves isn't a viable long-term solution.   We need to focus on what we have in common to move forward, instead of the curating the diviseness that's crippling us as a culture. 

Olympic Sized Questions

I'm going to go ahead and admit that I'm more excited about the summer Olympics than the winter ones.  I wouldn't have watched much of them at all except for two reasons: I don't have many TV channels to choose from since we cancelled cable and my daughter got her wisdom teeth extracted and is planted on the couch in the living room watching them.  I can't blame her.  She's in pain.  And when you're in pain, it's kinda nice to see other people in pain.  Misery loves company, right?  Before I get comments that I'm a heartless curmudgeon, I really do get that watching the Olympics is inspiring.  And if there's anything everyone in the world needs right now, it's to be inspired.

While I think someone speeding down a 100m high track at 90 km on skis and landing it safely, let alone traveling the furthest distance, is pretty damn amazing, I also think it's pretty elitist.  As are luge, skeleton, figure skating, bobsled, skiing and snowboarding.  Really, almost all the winter sports are really cost prohibitive for the majority of people.  Think about it.  Ice time, ski lifts, bobsleds, not to mention warm outerwear from REI for the snowboarders.  Have you been to REI?  A pair of socks that are on sale can run you $50 there. Then think about the last time you saw a luge track anywhere.  Nope.  Never have.  I assume they're in Lake Placid, NY.  Population approximately 2,500.  *cough [under my breath] Elitist.

Now think about the summer games.  Track and field, volleyball, field hockey, basketball and soccer. You don't need much fancy equipment. Pretty much you need legs, a net and a ball.  Maybe a stick, a pole and/or a javelin. And if you're Zola Budd, you don't even need shoes to break a world record.  Don't get me wrong, there are a few elitist summer sports.  Gymnastics, water polo, synchronized swimming and all the equestrian events.  (And I say this as someone who's high school sport was synchronized swimming and back in high school I briefly dated a guy who played water polo.  I'm not even joking.)      

The summer games are much more inclusive and egalitarian.  Not by design, but by nature.  Is it Switzerland's fault is has the Alps?  Or that it's one of the top 10 richest countries in the world?  Or that it's also in the top 10 countries to medal in the winter Olympics of all time?   But, remember, it's also the most expensive country in the world to live in.  And their cheese has all those holes in it.  And the whole country is rigged with explosives to isolate it from the rest of the world in case of an attack.  (Ok, that one's pretty cool actually.)

My point is this: you're not a loser because you didn't compete in luge at the Olympics.  You simply never had the opportunity to luge because so few people do.  Think about it, you could potentially be a gold medal winning luger,  Or curler.  If only you were born in Luxembourg, the richest country in the world.  None of that is your fault.  No, you're a loser because you've never competed in track at the summer Olympics.  Because all you need for that is legs.   

The Upside of Downsizing

I'm at that stage in life where I'm starting to fantasize about downsizing.  Because that's what old people do.  Less stuff means less cleaning right?  But, I also can't deny that bigger is better.  Because I still have four kids living at home which requires I have a big car, a really large capacity washer and dryer and a Costo membership.  I also just ordered a king size bed to create the distance that I hope will bring my husband and I closer together or at the very least muffle his snores.  But, a big screen TV?  I didn't think we needed one.  Until, my husband convinced me we did.

I loaded up our big, old and heavy TV in the minivan to give it to Goodwill.  But, they gave it back.  Not to get political here, but I'm very pro-recycling.  However, I refuse to pay Best Buy $25 to recycle something for me.  So, I left the TV on the curb at the bottom of my driveway with a FREE sign on it.  And then I waited.  And waited.  And waited.  By the next morning, it was finally gone.  I like to believe it's found a good home with another family, but the reality is someone from the HOA probably threw it in the dumpster because it was blighting the neighborhood.  However, I choose to believe my Disney-esque fantasy ending anyway.

The new 65" screen looked ridiculously huge hanging on the wall.  That was until I sat on the couch.  From where I could not only see the screen clearly, but I could read the channel guide without wearing my distance glasses.  Come to think of it, it's ridiculous that I spent years watching a screen so small I needed my distance glasses to see it.  Which I rarely did because I was too lazy to get off my ass to go get them.  Creating a fuzzy, yet very flattering nearsighted filter for TV viewing.  You probably already know this, because you've probably had a big screen HD TV for a decade or more, but a big screen high definition TV it's really the great equalizer.  Because everyone looks ugly on a large screen.  And really old.  I'm talking about people my age.  Which I sometimes forget is old.  Because I'm old, so I do that.

Most people who splurge a new TV want to expand their viewing options by also getting satellite TV.  Which, of course, is not what we did.  Instead, we reduced our viewing options by cancelling our cable.  And installing a free app called Pluto TV which has channels like Cats 24/7.  Which is exactly what it sounds like: all cat videos, all the time.  I don't even really like cats.  Not only that, it's a pain to access it.  For a technologically illiterate person like me, playing around with the remote control it more frustrating than fun.  And it requires me to go find my reading glasses so I can see the buttons on the remote.  In short, it's a very long process that requires a lot of swearing.  When really, all I want to see is when the shows I want to see (like cooking shows, Anthony Bourdain,  60 Minutes and Frontline) are on.  Because now that we've downsized we don't have any way to record shows to watch later.  We have to watch it when it airs (and run to the kitchen and/or bathroom during the commercial breaks) or we'll miss it.  Just like back in the olden days.  Good thing I'm an old fashioned girl who likes to watch PBS.

So,  I'd argue getting a big screen TV is part of our downsizing.  

What I'm Like in Bed

My bed is quite sensual.  Adorned with a silky grey satin coverlet that begs to be touched.  In addition, it provides front row seating for my stripper pole that stands in the corner of my bedroom.  The ambiance is an exquisite fusion of masculine and feminine.  Complete with sandalwood candles to fill the room with an exotic aroma.  Setting the stage for nights filled with erotic encounters.  The kind that you can only dream of.  Because I'm already asleep.

Sure, I have good intentions of lighting those candles for a romantic evening. You know, reading one of the books stacked on my nightstand by candlelight.  But, when my head hits the pillow it takes me all of a whole entire minute before I fall asleep.  With the blankets tucked in around me like a cocoon.  That is, until my husband brutally rips the sheets and blankets out from the end of the bed.  What kind of a psycho does that?  Because when the blankets aren't tucked in, my whole night is spent adjusting the blankets so they cover my whole body as I toss and turn.  Then my husband wonders why I steal the covers.  I steal them in self defense.  Because I'm freezing, dammit.  And obviously it's all his fault.  Because if the blankets were tucked in, I wouldn't need to clutch them for dear life to prevent frostbite. Plus, he always complains he's too hot in the night.  So really, I'm doing him a favor.

Sleeping together is one of the worst things for a marriage.  

Really, who came up with the absurdly overly romantic notion that couples sleeping in the same bed is a good idea?  And why do we still do it?  (By "it" I mean sleep and not the other "it", obviously.)  It's unnatural, I tell you!  When I was little both sets of my grandparents had not only separate beds, but separate bedrooms.  Which seemed weird to me when I was little, but I totally see the brilliance now.  I wouldn't have to listen to my husband snore.  And he wouldn't have to get my elbow jabbed in his side until he finally rolls over.  Which again, is all his fault.  It's pretty simple, if you don't want me to physically assault you in the middle of the night, don't assault my ears by mimicking the sound of an oncoming freight train.  

I'm not claiming that I'm so great in bed.  But, I do have to admit, sleeping with me wouldn't be a disappointment.  I stay on my own side.  I don't snore unless I have a cold and then come on, who doesn't?  I'm not a sleep talker or a sleep walker.  And I don't grind my teeth.  Although, I do clench my teeth when I sleep, leaving bite marks.  But the marks are on the inside of my own cheeks, which doesn't effect anyone else.  Also, how weird is that?  Ok, don't answer that.  I do have this charming little thing that I do in bed though.  I rock my body back and forth slowly.  And It drives my husband crazy.  I don't know why, you'd think it would be soothing, right?  Like I'm rocking him to sleep or something, but no.  Apparently, it's kind of annoying.  Just like when I have to get up in the middle of the night to pee or to go downstairs for a 2am juice box, hoping that I don't get the box with the missing straw.    

So, do we get a divorce for irreconcilable sleep differences or can this marriage be saved?  We'd have to wait until the kids leave home to have separate bedrooms.  And then I guess we'd have to separate the kids' bunk beds to make that work.  But, moving up into a king size bed would give us more distance from each other, which would actually probably bring us closer together.  Come to think of it, it would make the perfect Valentine's Day gift to each other too.