Today I am forty-five years old. Every year right before my birthday I get really reflective. Taking inventory of where I've been and where I'm going. Reassessing if I'm on the right path. And this year it hit me. If I am lucky enough to live to 90, I've lived half my life already. And that's the good news. So, that's when I got a bit depressed.
I'm sure I'm not the only one that feels twenty-five years old in my head. That's shocked at the passage of time. Like, just the other night I was watching 60 Minutes, another indicator of my age, when they noted the Chernobyl disaster was almost 30 years ago. HOW CAN THAT BE? I'm twenty-five in my head and the disaster I vividly remember watching on the news is older than me. Something is not right!
How did I get to be a middle aged woman?
When did this happen?
Until I started to sort through everything. All the really good choices I've made and all the really, really horrible ones that I wish I could go back and fix. But, I know that the completely imperfect, but way more self accepting forty-five year old version of me only emerged from the yin and the yang, the good and the bad, abundance and absence, pride and regret, love and hate. But ultimately, the integration of all of these things. Knowing that I cannot be defined by just one mistake or missed opportunity. The same way I can't by just one success or achievement.
I own my shortcomings and my strengths now.
But mostly, I'm content.
Yes, you heard that right! CONTENT. I've never been content before. But, I like it. A lot. So what if my life is half over or more than half over? Whenever my time comes I'm gonna go out swingin'. Maybe on a pole. Maybe on a trapeze. Who knows? And who the hell would want to? Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got some livin', to do...
5 comments:
Auguri, Marie, and a very special day for you! My first thought was: from now on it only gets better!
I remember when I turned 40 some friend gave me a card that said: welcome to the second half of your life! I was livid and ready to cancel said friendship!! Another memory resurfaces: my sweet aunt at 85 who said to me "whenever I look in the mirror I see a young girl".
Not bad feeling content and paired with your stamina for life it is a wonderful combination! Enjoy!
Happy Birthday to one of my favorite writers! You really don't look 45! And yes, CONTENT is a good place to be in and I'm happy for you! Don't you just love being reflective when our birthdays come? ;-))
Happy 45, Marie although you look 30. I'm happy for your contentment. It's a nice thing to be. I feel a little content...but just a smidge, maybe my nose and shoulders are content but the rest of me is as restless as a cat in a cage...a 57 year old cat in a cage. LOL! I hope your day was magical!
I know that feeling. It has hit me at various points in my life, most recently when I turned 70. Glad to hear that you are feeling content, and ready to do lots more living. BTW, I mentioned you in my current post.
Marie, I can totally relate to this (I have just hit 12...). I strongly believe that the best is yet to come...
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