She's a Man, Baby

I have a confession to make.  I've been catfishing you, pretending I'm a girl. But, I'm really a guy.  Oh, I may not have guy parts, but my personality?  Well, I'm a dude.

I've always been a tomboy.  So I'm sure this doesn't come as a shock to anyone who knows me.  After all I had short hair, was flat chested and mistaken for a boy for much of my childhood.  And because I was so desperately shy, I wouldn't even bother to correct people.  Plus, I kinda understood boys more than girls.  Things are more straightforward.  Either that or they are completely ignored.  There's less of a gray area for interpretation and feelings.  Neither of which appeal to me very much.

Sometimes, I think my guyish ways could be interpreted by the girls in my life as being uncaring.  I'm not going to call you every week.  It's not that I'm not thinking about you, it's just that you should know I'm thinking about you without me calling.  I mean if you're girly can't you interpret and feel that?  Also, I will not wrap a gift in a beautifully glittery perfectly wrapped intricately chosen paper.  I'll probably throw it in a recycled gift bag.  Don't feel slighted.  It's just that it's practical.  And my guy brain only understands practical.

Like, I didn't want a diamond engagement ring.  Cause I hate diamonds.  I mean what IS the point?  But what kind of man would my husband be if he didn't put a diamond on my finger to stake his claim?  I get that and I wore it for 7 years.  Then I got the itch.  So, when my husband lost his wedding ring I looked at it as an opportunity.  I bought him a new one for our anniversary and got myself a plain band.  Which is what I have worn ever since then, cause it's what I wanted in the first place.  My actual wedding ring is in my jewelry box somewhere.  I think.  I'm not very sentimental about physical things like that.

Also, I don't want to have long drawn out discussions about my feelings.  Nor do I want to psychoanalyze what someone else is feeling or might have meant by that little thing they said 5 years ago.  Most times I don't even know what I'm feeling, so I can't even begin to surmise what someone else is.  I'm too busy clipping my fingernails and pushing back my cuticles.  (Ok, I only push back my cuticles like once a year.  so it's actually not that time consuming.)  Cause you know I'm not getting a mani-pedi.  Cause how ridiculous would it look to have gorgeous nails with my plain wedding band?  Then, I'd have to keep my nails nice once the nail polish started chipping off and I'd have to go back to the salon for upkeep.  Like on a regular basis.   Then I'd have to buy a Coach purse to go with my manicure and open toed expensive, uncomfortable shoes to show off my pedicure.  Who needs that pressure?  Not me.

So if you're my girlfriend and you've been wondering why I'm not calling you and don't give you beautifully wrapped gifts for like the last 5 years, don't take it personally, I'm like this with everyone. And if I've done something that's pissed you off and you give me the silent treatment, don't be offended when I don't notice.  This is just how I was made.  So basically what I'm saying is, I'm like your husband.  If you need something more than what I'm giving you, you're going to have to beat me over the head with it.

Cause I'm a man, baby!