Circular Thinking

Yes, this is my original artwork.
This is why I'm not an artist.  Particularly, a drawer.
Sketcher I guess it'd be called.

I know I'm not the only person who does this.  I call it circular thinking.  When I'm not calling it "Wtf is wrong with me? Noooooooooooo.  Why am I doing this again?"  Which is way too long.  So I simplified it.  Also because I want people to take me seriously.  Kinda.  Sometimes.

Circular thinking is when something happens that really pisses you off.  Let me try to sound professional, like I really know what I'm talking about here and refer to this event as an annoyance.   And it sets your mind off in this crazy swirl of thoughts.  All of which you've had before.  Leaving you to sift and sort through them.  Which are pure emotion?  Are any of them valid?  And what the hell do I do with this crap now?  Until you find a solution.  Yes.  The same exact conclusion you came to the other 100 times this happened.  This, in my experience, usually takes about 3 days.  I don't know why, it just does.

The last time this happened to me was a couple of weeks ago.  I submitted my book for consideration at Bookbub, an on-line discount book retailer.  For them to sell the e-version for a measly 99 cents.  And then I got the rejection letter.  I'm usually quite good at brushing off this book bullshit.  After all, I've had a ton of experience.  Not to brag or anything, but I'm really, really good at being rejected.  I'm still getting rejection letters from agents and publishers from inquiries I sent from several months ago.  But, that day I was just pissed.  It was the last straw in a whole heaping saddle full of bendy, swirly straws that broke the camel's back.  

WHAT?  I DON'T GET THE PRIVILEGE TO BASICALLY GIVE MY BOOK AWAY?

Now, I know how the system works.  I get it.  They have so many books that they can take and it's not a reflection of my work.  Or some such bullshit.  Not that I feel like my book is War & Peace or anything.  But come on, I firmly believe it is worth at least freakin' 99 cents.  So feeling angsty, I did what I normally try to refrain from, I posted an angry rant on Facebook.  And almost immediately, my phone rang.  

It was my friend and mentor, Leah, who had seen my rant and called to cheer me up.  Immediately, we started to talk about this whole circular thinking thing and learning the same lessons over and over again.  Bringing me back to the conclusion, that I'm going to continue to be authentically me.  And marketing?  Screw marketing?  At the end of the day, the most important thing is that I put out something honest that I'm proud of.  Sure, it's not perfect.  But that's the entire point.   That's when Leah said the most profound thing.  

We relearn the same lessons over and over because we learn them at a deeper level every time.

And every time the stakes are higher. 

Circular thinking spirals our thoughts both reaffirming and elevating them to the next level.  Which I hope to god is getting me somewhere closer to Nirvana. Or Kurt Cobain at least. And this my friends has been a lesson from Leah.