Fear of Commitment

I have a deep-seated fear of commitment.  Sure, I've been married for 26 years.  And I have a 30 year mortgage.  And very intentionally adopted 4 children.  Not to mention 2 rescue dogs.  But trust me,  I'm no fan of committing.

I've thought long and hard for years about getting a tattoo of a tree on my back.  But, have you ever seen a horrible tattoo?  I remember over 10 years ago being out in public somewhere and a young woman was walking toward me.  She was wearing a sun dress with what appeared to be polka dots around her knees.  And I couldn't stop staring at her knees.  Which is quite possibly the ugliest body part we all have, besides elbows.  Turned out, the polka dots were bees.  She had bees tattooed on her knees.  And while it's not the ugliest tattoo I've ever seen, it is the most memorable.  Don't get me wrong, there's plenty of stunning tattoos out there.  I've even dipped my toe in some ink in the form of a toe ring.  But, I've come to the conclusion that tattoos are a bit too permanent for someone who can't even commit to using the same brand of shampoo consistently.

Speaking of shampoo, I would never dye my hair blonde.  First of all, I don't have the personality of a blonde to pull it off, so it'd seem like a really big lie.  Even though, I know I could simply color over it if I don't like it.  But, that just fries your hair.  And then it's all damaged and you have to cut it off.  Oh, I know that hair grows back and all that and it's not really a "big deal" in the grand scheme of things.  That is unless you've ever had a really bad haircut that you've had to grow out.  And then you know it's an excruciatingly big deal because it takes forever.  On top of that, your hair is one of the first things people notice about you.  It defines you in a way.  Unless of course you have bees on your knees.  In which case, no one is looking at how atrocious your hair is because they're looking at your hideously, ugly knees.

At this point in my life, I can't even commit to watching a TV series.  I don't care how good it is.  I can't  do it.  The problem is I can't remember the story line from the previous show.  Hell, I can't remember what I ate for breakfast or where all my kids are anymore.  I can't be bothered to keep track of fictional characters.  I tend to watch shows that are self contained because I have the attention span of a gnat.  Like Portlandia.  And a couple of years ago I started watching Black Mirror.  Although it's fantastic, it was too ominous for me to watch.  I can read things that are dark, scary and sad, but I can't watch it.  So, I have to watch an episode (or two) of Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee to make me happy again.  And that's just way too much of a commitment for me.

I have an easier time committing to books, but there are boundaries.  It was in my 30's when I started reading War and Peace on a trip to Russia because it seemed to befitting.  I was on that same trip when I stopped reading War and Peace.  I'd never given up on a book before that one.  I'd stay committed until the end even if I hated it or it confused me.  Seriously, how can you have that many characters who's name starts with an "L"?  How am I supposed to remember who's who?  Couldn't Tolstoy have called one of the characters Bob?  And my other problem with books?  Don't coax me into buying your #1 New York Times bestselling book (in hardback no less) with an extremely intriguing story line, with testimonials that it's "intelligent, suspenseful, provocative" only to find out that it's not any of those things.  It's horrible and I should've gone the low commitment route by getting it at the library for free.

Oh there's lots of other things I can't commit to.  Like remodeling the master bathroom where it's still 1987.  It's like a time capsule in there.  It's not that I don't want it updated, it's just that when I commit to doing that, then I'll need to redo the master closet.  And then the kids' bathroom.  Then before you know it,  I'm going to have to redo the kitchen we had re-done 10 years ago.  No thanks!

 The good things is... 

my fear of commitment is saving me both time and money.