Exposed

It's summer.  It's exceptionally hot already and it's barely even started yet.  You'll do anything to get cool.  Including taking off layers of clothes and exposing yourself in public. Well, your skin anyway.  Your pale, pasty skin from spending a long winter inside.  With stretch marks, cellulite, that tattoo you've come to regret and the razor burn you got from shaving in preparation to wear a swimsuit to go cool down at the pool.

There's nothing quite as horrifying as wearing a swimsuit in public, especially for the first time of the season.  Because being in a swimsuit feels a lot like just wearing underwear.  Which is essentially what swimwear is; water permeable underwear.  So, if you're anything like me (which I bet you are) when you arrive at the pool, you peek down under your clothes to check (several times) to make sure that you do in fact have your swim suit on underneath.  Even though you know you do.  Before you strip down into your swimsuit.  Which feels like you're getting naked with a big spotlight on you.  You're sure everyone's staring at you.  Unless they're just staring at your tampon string that's sticking out of your bikini bottoms.

You think once you're in your swimsuit the worst part is over, but it's not.  You haven't even tested the waters yet.  And you got a new swimsuit this year.  Does it fill with water and bunch up in weird places requiring you to tug at your suit and burp it like a Tupperware container?  Or does it get kinda see through when it gets wet?  And everyone knows what cold water does to your nipples.  Surprise, you're in a wet T-shirt contest now.  But, what's even worse than that is wearing a bandeau bikini top (you know the one without the straps) and having the clasp break leaving you standing there topless at the pool.  Which is exactly what happened to me about five years ago.  (For that story click here.)

Then when you're cooled off and go to exit the water, remember that water is heavy.  And that you're risking your bottoms dipping down to expose your butt crack or falling off completely if your thrusting yourself up from the side of the pool.  Using the ladder or stairs is the best option.  When' you're safely out the pool with your bathing suit intact, that's when the deluge occurs, running down your legs.  Oh my god, did I just piss myself?  Cause that's what it feels like.  Funny thing about feeling like you're pissing yourself... that's when you're like oh my god, I need to piss!  So you urgently need to find a toilet and then try to get your wet suit off.  Try is the key word here, because you can't get a wet suit off quickly, it's impossible.  So you just slide the material over to the side instead of pulling your suit down off while trying not to pee on your swimsuit or your hands.  This is also impossible.  But, what the hell...your suit is wet anyway, no one's going to know you peed yourself.  Because everyone's going to be looking at the tampon string you forgot to tuck back in.