Vacations are No Vacation

A gorgeous resort in Cancun we won't be staying at.

So, are you going anywhere for the holidays?  She asked.  We're going to Cancun and Cuba.  Oh I've been to Cancun...you'll love it! What resort are you staying at?  We're not staying in a resort.  And we're not actually even staying in Cancun. We're travelling around and staying in Airbnbs and hostels.  Be careful, I've heard it's dangerous outside of the resorts in Mexico!  Are you taking your kids?  Yes.  All of them?  We did consider leaving some of them at home, but it being over Christmas and all...yes...we're bringing all four teenagers.  Wow, what a trip!  Oh...it's always a trip, trust me.

Not only do we travel on the cheap; it's also the way we prefer to travel.  (Ok, my husband and I prefer gritty, adventure travel.  Our kids would probably prefer an all inclusive 5 star resort if they had a say.  But, they don't.)

It begins before we even leave the house.  We'll be moving around a lot and you've got one bag so pack light.  We may not have access to laundry facilities to wash clothes so don't forget to pack enough socks and underwear.  And for god's sake pack (and use) deodorant!  Oh...and a toothbrush.  

We prefer to stay in apartments with a kitchen so we can cook breakfast and dinner, reducing our costs by only eating out once a day.  Which is a bonus for me because I love to check out the grocery store and see the different foods indigenous to that country.  In Australia Campbell's sells cans of condensed pumpkin soup.  And in Morocco they sell chopped up pumpkin that sits out unrefrigerated all day swarming with flies.  Not only that, we also eat street food.  And boat food (think food truck, but on a boat).  Which is how we got food poisoning in Thailand a few years ago (yes, ALL of us) and how I acquired a parasite who attempted to hitchhike home with me, all snuggled up in my intestines from Vietnam last year.  He was really comfy, I was not.

We've done pretty well on accommodations if you like being covered in mud sleeping in the rain forest in a farmhouse without windows to keep the swarms of mosquitoes out like we did in Costa Rica.  Or a couple of years ago when we camped in Patagonia in the rain, which then turned to snow because of course it did.  We've slept on the floor of a stranger's house we didn't even share a language with in Morocco.  And we've also slept in a tent on safari in Botswana with a lion outside.   That last one was particularly adrenaline filled.  Not to mention the time we got scammed out of a place to stay and stranded at the Sheffield Airport in the middle of the night when we were traveling to London.  But, that seems civilized in comparison to the others.

At this point, you may have figured out that we don't spend our vacation actually relaxing.  Sitting on the beach sipping fruity drinks constitutes a half day of the trip, at most.  In fact, our trips are utterly exhausting.  Like hiking to and swimming into one of the biggest caves in the world with a spelunking light and bats flying over head.  Or traveling to Egypt after the revolution when the US had issued a travel warning because the country was ruled by martial law; then getting caught in the middle of a protest.  (And yes, we are aware that there is a US Travel Warning for Cuba at the moment.)

So, this is the part where I tell you that I'm taking a couple of weeks off writing to go have an adventure.  What could possibly go wrong?  I'll be back to tell you in 2018.  Happy holidays to you and yours!  (If you're interested in reading about some of our other adventures, our trips are categorized by country in the labels section of my blog located on the right hand side.  Keep scrolling down.)

Season's Eatings

Directly after pumpkin-spice-flavored-everything season begins the peppermint-flavored-everything-season.  You'll know this when you shop at Trader Joe's and the cashier finds a subtle way to bring up the conversion from pumpkin season to peppermint season.  "I see you like our apples...you know what's nothing like apples are our Candy Candy Joe Joe's (generic Oreos with candy cane bits in the filling).  Have you tried them?  They are seriously so good!"  Seriously...does Trader Joe's withhold cashier's paychecks if they don't talk up their products or what?  Because every cashier does this every time I shop there.

Not all of the season's eatings are tasty. 

In fact, some are downright disgusting.

Like candy canes.  Yeah, I said it.  I think it's fairly obvious that the best uses of mint are in toothpaste, gum, lip balm and mojitos.  Because eating anything peppermint is like eating an arctic gust of air: cold and unsatisfying.  And now, not only do candy canes come in peppermint, but they also come in every other conceivable (and inconceivable) flavor.  Including:  fruit, bacon, sriracha, gravy and wasabi.  Thus, elevating candy canes to an even higher level on the disgusting scale.

Every year when I see fruitcake in the stores I wonder who in the hell buys that crap.  And yet someone does because there wouldn't be a supply of fruitcake in the stores if there wasn't a demand.  With all the Christmas cookies, English toffee and other delicious holiday treats out there in the world, who would waste a shitload of calories consuming fruitcake?  In fact why do dried fruits like raisins exist at all?  Never send a raisin to do the job of a perfectly capable (and superior) chocolate chip!

Did you ever receive one of those Hickory Farms gift boxes from your boss?  Wait...meat and cheese  products needed to be refrigerated.  How come this gift box sits on an unrefrigerated shelf?  Also, how long ago were these mystery meats and cheeses packaged?  And do they in fact contain any real meat or cheese?  How long is it's shelf life?  If they don't sell this Christmas do they recycle it and put it on the shelf to sell again the next Christmas?  It's just occurred to me that the easiest and cheapest way to instantly become a Doomsday Prepper would be to collect all the unwanted Hickory Farms gift boxes from your friends and family and you'd be set for years.  And if you collected all the fruitcake you'd even have dessert.

There are two types of people in the world:  those who like eggnog and those who know that those people are wrong.  It's not that it's a beverage made with raw eggs that makes it gross.  Although that is revolting.  The worst thing about it is that it's so thick it's like drinking gravy.  But instead of meat flavored gravy it's a cold, raw egg gravy with a little nutmeg in it.  I suppose it would be more tasty if you had a spiked version with some rum in it.  But on second thought, why not just take the rum, add some coke and sprinkle some nutmeg on top?  It probably tastes a lot better that way.  And BONUS, it's just half the calories so you have more room for Christmas cookies and English toffee now!  You're welcome!

And Happy Season's Eatings to you! 

P.S. Don't forget to stock up on antacids.