Foot Forward

My actual feet.  

Summer is a very foot forward season ceremoniously kicked off with a pedicure.  Sloughing off the dense callouses and covering up the yellowed toenails with a fresh coat of lilac or watermelon polish.  Readying them for their debut in those gorgeous new strappy sandals you just got.  You know, the dreadfully uncomfortable ones with no arch support with the back strap that gives you blisters.  Not to mention, really weird tan lines on your feet. Those. I don't do any of that.

Pedicures seem like a huge waste of time and money.  I mean as soon as you get out of the nail salon you're going to chip the polish and be pissed, right?  Also, I firmly believe that those callouses are there to protect you, absorbing the impact for the rest of your body like a suspension system on a car.  But, the  real reason I don't get pedicures is because I don't want to pay to have women gossip about how gross my feet are in front of my face in Korean.  I think that's fairly obvious though.

 I hope yellow toenails are fashionable this summer.

I'm not completely gross, I do ped-egg, which is like a mini-cheese grater for your feet, semiannually, which is also when I push my cuticles back.  Although I don't do those two things in the same sitting. Because I'm not that together people.  In addition to the regular hideousness of my unkempt feet, I always have bruises on them from pole dance.  (Never make direct eye contact with a dancer's feet.)  And I have a faded tattoo I got in my 20's in Hawaii that used to look like a toe ring, but now just looks like I have a piece of pencil lead lodged in my toe from some hilarious drunk college algebra accident.    

When I think about it, my whole lack of success thing may stem from my feet.  I'm probably being socially shunned because of them.  Which is probably why I wasn't invited to a Memorial Day BBQ summer kickoff/pretty feet debut party.  Where everyone is going to sit around with a cold beer and then talk about how hideous my feet are behind my back.  But at least it'll be in English.  For free.  By people I know, not some strangers.  So there's that.  But the real question is...

...when I go put my best foot forward, 

which one is that exactly?

And this might be why I'm failing at life.