My Addiction

I'm not an addict. But, I was in denial.  Then I said it over and over, as if saying it out loud would make it true. I AM NOT AN ADDICT!  Words can lie, but actions don't.  Especially when you repeat them over and over.  The way an addict does.

My name is Marie and I am an addict.  

I'm not addicted to:

Alcohol

Drugs

Smoking

Sex

Gambling

My phone

Video games

Junk food

Or proper grammar & spelling (obviously)

I'm addicted to my pole.

The thing about pole is, there are so many things you can do on it that you can never know or be able to do it all.  Which means you always have something to aspire to.  Which is both really good and really bad.  Especially for someone with a hyperactive perfectionistic, competitive side.  So even though I have some cool pole moves in my repertoire, I'm never satisfied.  It's never good enough for me.  I want better.  I want more.  Like any other addict.

I spend my days trying not to look at other pole dancers' videos and photos, but then the thoughts fester until I give in to them.  Then I head to my bedroom, strip down to my underwear in the middle of whatever I'm doing in the middle of the day to give it a whirl.  Feeding my insatiable need to feel defeated.  (I just did this very thing 2 minutes ago while writing this post when I went to link my video and caught a glimpse of someone else's pole video.)

I'm always seeking the next hit.

And it's never enough. 

I'm never enough.  

Me in flag.

It doesn't matter that I can do this.  Because I've been able to do this for a month.  Maybe even close to a year now.  So while it may look impressive to you, what I see is that I'm not perfectly straight and my feet aren't together.  (And WHAT exactly was I thinking with that wall color?)

Yesterday morning, even though my arms were still burning from my last pole workout, I decided to attempt an aerial flag. Meaning, you start on the pole, not from the ground. Which greatly increases the difficulty.  But, I'm strong, so I can do this.  I can so do this.

I CAN'T DO THIS!

I HATE THIS VIDEO THAT PROVES I CAN'T DO IT! 

AND.....I SUCK ^20!

And then somehow none of the things I can do matter.  All that matters is I can't do that.  Whatever 'that' is at any given time.  I know it's not really pole that I'm addicted to.  It's self defeatism.  But, it's the one thing I'm truly awesome at.  So why would I want to quit that?  Because it hurts so good.